A letter to myself (and also to you – the black sheep who can’t stop pushing)

A letter to myself (and also to you – the black sheep who can’t stop pushing)

 

 

 

 

I guess you could just totally go to bed now

 

I mean you’ve had a big day. Shit got crazy. You barely had a minute to yourself. You hustled and you lived and you pushed yourself far beyond your comfort zone.

 

So I guess you really could TOTALLY LEGITIMATELY to go bed now and feel justified

 

I guess it wouldn’t really matter that much right?

If you just got to bed now. Gosh – you might get that elusive 7 hours everyone keeps telling you you need right?

 

Just think of all that glorious time in bed.

You totally could.

And no one would even know.

Or judge you.

Or hold you accountable.

Or even GIVE A FUCK

 

So why don’t you?

Why don’t i?

Why are we still here?

 

Why am I writing this?

 

Could it be – that maybe – you aren’t really of this world?

 

Now I don’t mean human, you totally are, but I mean not of this world that society around you has created.

 

You aren’t really made of the 9-5, the mortgage and kids, the brain dead job with the best benefits and the saving for your super so that when you’re 65 you can go on a 90 day trip around the world before you return to play golf/lawn bowls and wait to die.

 

THAT world.

 

You. Me. Us

 

We aren’t of that world.

 

From the beginning – we were different. We stood out. We annoyed our parents not because we did typical kid things – but because we broke rules and hustled in ways that other kids didn’t even have a concept of.

Maybe you had a chip on your shoulder like me – coming from an immigrant family that had to work for the basics.

Maybe you were a leader from day 1 and didn’t know it – the kids were drawn to you, pulled like moths to a flame, to be near you, listen to you, learn from you.

You – who had so much less than anyone else, was the one with all the advice, all the help.

 

Or you – the one with nothing, was right there to give away everything.

 

Whatever it was – the core was the blatant clarity that YOU ARE NOT LIKE THE OTHERS

 

Even when you tried  – and oh how you tried.

 

To fit in. To make them like you. To act like you were one of the cool kids.

 

But you weren’t cool – you were weird. You weren’t like them – you didn’t even know WHAT you were like.

 

You just knew, somehow, somewhere, deep down –

That this?

This life that was being laid out for you?

This education and job and salary package?

 

It didn’t sound like a future. It sounded like death.

 

It sounded like a barrack full of sheep being herded slowly to slaughter.

 

And THEN

 

More than EVER

 

You felt SO ALONE

Because no one else heard it – you wondered if it was just in your head.

This BAAAHHHH as everyone piled into rooms to take tests, exams, be compared on the same scale as everyone else, on merits that some people you never met decided is what will MAKE YOU SUCCESSFUL

Make you worthy.

 

So like the black sheep you are you fell out of line.

 

You couldn’t stay still.

 

You ran – away from  the herd, away from the well trodden path ahead, as everyone else fell into place like lemming after lemming, and you felt like you were under water, screaming for them to stop, to CHOOSE, to LIVE

 

And you were so far away, that you couldn’t reach them.

 

And all you could do was save yourself.

 

Run like a bat out of hell towards that which you always knew.

That which calls to your soul and your entire being and which from the youngest age refused to be silenced.

 

You are not of this world. Born into it – but not destined to die in it.

Your legacy? Your calling?

 

It’s to lead a revolution. Stir. Create. Engage. Change.

 

And for fucks sake – none of that involves going to sleep right now.

Right now when you heart is ablaze and your soul is screaming and you cannot breathe for fear of losing the momentum, the fear of getting sucked back in –

 

Into the real world. The one you have spent so long running from.

Though it hardly feels like running from something.

When truly it is running towards what is truly right for you.

What has always been right for you.

 

Your purpose. Your passion. Your can’t sleep, won’t sleep, don’t give a fuck, just let me unleash.

 

So yeah… you could go to bed.

You could totally go to bed.

Everyone will tell you you should.

You need sleep. You need rest. Recuperate. Work life balance.

All that shit.

 

All that shit designed to keep the sheep organised, in line, and on command.

 

You could throw your hands in the air, plug yourself back into the matrix and trudge through the rest of your days in happy ignorance with mindless work, some netflix and a holiday every year or two.

 

But… you just can’t.

Bed isn’t rest for you – it is hell.

A hell away from what you truly are called to do.

 

Because you know

YOU KNOW

YOU

KNOW

Beyond a shadow of a doubt – that sleep doesn’t replenish you.

Purpose does.

Your life

On purpose.

 

So black sheep you are not alone – I am here with you.

 

Forever out of line

Forever prepared to walk away from anything that insists you compromise yourself

Forever alone – together.

Welcome – and let’s enjoy our sweet dreams together – while awake

 

 

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Step in to the Matrix – what it’s like to go down the rabbit hole

 

 

STEP INTO THE MATRIX – WHAT IT’S LIKE TO GO DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE

 

 

Have you ever felt like you were under water? Like you were watching the world go about it’s stuff and you are basically looking at it from above and thinking WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK???!!!

 

Ever felt like you identified with Neo in the Matrix? Spending your whole life, looking for something, you don’t really know WHAT, you can’t explain it, but this FEELING, this search that you can’t stop, for something…. More.

 

Something beyond the horizon. Beyond the steady job, superannuation, mortgage and 2.5kids… something…. MORE.

 

It’s like your whole life it was brewing, somewhere under the surface, you stared blankly at your career counsellor, and when they wondered why you couldn’t figure out what you wanted to do from their shiny brochure, you couldn’t figure out how they could expect you to select their cookie-cutter career???

 

It’s not that you didn’t do well at school. You’re smart. Quick. Sharp. You got it all – and more. You studied hard, you did what was required – but why did that not matter? Why did it all feel like such a waste?

 

Why did it feel like there was a whole other world being hidden from you?

 

Well only probably because it was!

 

It was almost cruel – the way they teased it to you. You got glimpses of celebrities, billionaires – all on TV, in the newspapers – always out of reach. Always untangible.

 

But what about others? Weren’t there others who loved their lives? Who changed others lives with their passion? Who stayed up late and got up early with PURPOSE, with PASSION, and who couldn’t care less about toeing the line and falling into place?

 

Who had wealth in all areas – financial, spiritual, psychological, love, friends, lifestyle, health… WHY was this not taught in school? Why were your only choices in a glossy Uni catalogue?

 

And WHY for fucks sake – WHY – was this the holy grail? What about this well trodden path was so amazing?

 

I fell for it – maybe you too. I trotted right off to Uni, surrounded by slightly superior lemmings. Bound by rules, laws, regulations – how to write, how to structure, how to BE.

 

It’s almost funny that leaving high school is meant to be the beginning of FREEDOM, of you becoming the kind of adult you always dreamt of. Too bad that Uni just churns you into a lemming even more than high school. At least at school you had a chance of a teacher caring and taking an interest in you – in Uni you are no special fucking snowflake – just a face in the mist, just another cog in the ever turning wheel.

 

WELCOME

 

So it is time – to step off. To take the pill. And fall down the  rabbit hole.

 

You gorgeous – you have spent long enough in this world. Long enough holding yourself back. Long enough falling into line and being scared to shake things up – you know – actually LIVE.

 

You have spent long enough in the Matrix.

 

It is time for you to step off the ledge – once and for all.

 

No looking back, no wondering where your safety net is (there isn’t one!) – and no second guessing.

 

You already know what’s behind you – and I daresay you can lay out your life step by step from where you are now.

 

Every day, week, month and year – until the end. Most people can do that. It’s simple – look at your last year and repeat.

 

But you want off this ride?

 

Do you want to step into the REAL world – where limits are boundless, as limitless as YOUR SOUL and you are bound by nothing and no one, here to create a life on your terms, live it on purpose, and create a lifestyle BY DESIGN and NOT BY DEFAULT.

 

Then welcome to the other side babe – this is where the light has been hiding. This is where all the elusive stuff is at – the crazy energy levels, where you barely need to sleep, where you look and feel as hot as you could ever imagine, where you get to show up every day and live the life you have always KNOWN is yours, but could never grasp in the Matrix.

 

WELCOME!

 

I have something INCREDIBLE coming for you – consider it YOUR Morpheus wake  up moment – I am going to offer you the pill (metaphorically of course!) to dive in and see the world – YOUR WORLD – in a whole new way.

 

Like opening your eyes for the first time, and seeing your TRUE capability (endless!) for the first time. And knowing that things will never be the same again. YOU will never be same again.

 

THIS is YOUR re-birth – no religion needed – just YOU and your Life Purpose!

 

 

Want to know how you can get involved? Comment “I am ready” and I will send you details as soon as THEY are ready!

 

 

Christmas, Food and An Eating Disorder

Christmas, Food and An Eating Disorder

 

 

Christmas has always been a tricky time for meand I don’t think I am alone in this.

 

For me however, this is for a very specific reason. If you have not read any of my other blogs in the past few years, then the jist of it is this: for almost a decade of my life in my late teens and 20’s I battled binge eating disorder, coupled with a serious case of exercise anorexia. Ie bingeing on huge amounts of food and then exercising for many hours each day to try to “undo” the damage.

 

Something that you may relate to if you have or are currently still battling this eating disorder – is the immense pressure and stress that comes with PUBLIC food centred events.

 

For me, eating and bingeing was a private affair. I did it behind closed doors, away from anyone I knew. So when there was an event like Christmas where a lot of food is involved AND you are constantly surrounded by people, this brings a TON of stress.

 

As with any event – you are constantly battling the URGE to eat everything in sight, but also the INTENSE AWARENESS that you are being watched and judged, and therefore MUST RESTRAIN yourself from eating too much incase others see you.

 

This constant pressure on the inside makes it a total mess in your own mind.

 

You can’t think straight, or hold a conversation well. While others seem to effortlessly gaze over the food and decide if they want it or not, you are SO conscious of every morsel, every bite, constantly feeling that you are being watched, judged. You have to maintain a sense of looking NORMAL.

 

You know all the tricks – the food you can get away with that you won’t be judged for, even though YOU know that it truly isn’t healthy. And then the food that you can FEEL you will be judged for straight away, so you fight yourself every time you see it.

Whilst you see your friend without thinking reach for a handful of chips every now and then and no one batts an eyelid, you just KNOW that if you were to do it EVERYONE would see.

 

All of this – this internal battle, rages on as you try to maintain conversation, smile, and look like you want to be there and NOT with two plates of food in the other room.

 

It’s not just Christmas. It’s all social events. You hate how no one else seems concerned about the food. And yet inside – you are screaming.

 

Everyone else just picks food up as they see it and want it. Whilst you are busy deciphering everything you have eaten, who saw you eat what, and how to steal away some more food without being seen.

Anyway… you get the idea. If you relate to the idea – then you really get it.

 

Having been on that side, for years, feeling a sense of dread every time a social occasion came up – I truly appreciate how different it is now.

For years I tried to convince myself – you are here for the company, not the food.

 

But as long as I stood there depriving myself, I could not even fathom giving a shit about what my boyfriends uncle does for work.

Until I dealt with what was really going on. The reasons I was using food as my drug of choice.

 

The emotions and fears that I was running from, trying to numb, trying to push down with food.

 

The things I wanted to ignore and fight rather than face.

Namely – and I kind of want to pause here because this is ACTUALLY what it is ALL ABOUT-…..

 

That I wasn’t happy with myself. My life.

 

But mostly…. What I was choosing.

 

I was miserable. Stuck. And everytime I thought about what I didn’t want to admit – food helped fill the void instead.

 

And now? Well now I love social occasions – because I can actually enjoy SOCIALISING.

 

I could not care less about the food. Half the time I bring my own just so I don’t have to concern myself if it is something I will like. Or I eat before. Or I am fasting. Whatever – it’s not the point.

 

The point is that I go and TALK. Listen. Interact.

 

And when food comes around I DO effortlessly glance over it and decide if I want it – as an afterthought to the conversation I am involved in.

The difference?

 

I have nothing to run from. The life I live is not suffocating me. I live on purpose and with passion.

 

And THAT is the difference between then and now.

 

If you relate to this – and STILL struggle in this way around food and social occasions then start here:

 

With a simple question…

 

What am I stuffing down? What would I feel if I didn’t eat my feelings right now?

 

What do I truly want that I am not admitting to myself?

 

Get real. Get raw. And get the fuck on with it.

 

 

WHAT 3 YEARS IN THE ONLINE BUSINESS HAS TAUGHT ME ABOUT MOST PEOPLE

WHAT 3 YEARS IN THE ONLINE BUSINESS HAS TAUGHT ME ABOUT MOST PEOPLE

 

I was updating a new offer tonight and in the midst of setting up the emails that go out when someone subscribes to one of my email lists, I paused and took a moment to look at some numbers.

 
I am definitely not one to care greatly about numbers – the things that so many online entrepreneurs seem to obsess over – click through rates, open rates, percentages, split testing… etc etc
 
Yes I know what it is.
And there was a time a while ago where I thought it mattered. But the truth is that when you are doing what you are CALLED to do and what you KNOW your audience needs – it’s not really an issue of how many people are opening your stuff, but HOW MUCH the people that are are valuing the content.
 
So with a focus on helping those I am meant to help and NOT worrying about pleasing everyone – I don’t pay great attention to the numbers.
 
But as I updated a multiple email short course tonight, I glanced at the open rates.
The first email was sitting at 60%. Which means that from the time that someone signed up for the program to the time it got sent to their email they did not end up deciding to open it. A high percentage quiet likely because it went to spam/junk and they never checked it, and then probably others who just decided later on it wasn’t for them. Fine.
 

But then here is where it got interesting – out of the 60% who stuck around to read the first email, only 35% read the second, and then it very gradually dropped to 25% by the time Day 7 of the course was emailed out.

 
Now this tells me possibly two things – one that some people did not resonate/enjoy/really want to commit to the course in the first place and so kind of just had a skim of the first email for a moment and then didn’t actually follow through.
 
And 2 – which brings me to my main point – that they got themselves all excited, all motivated, got through Day 1 and then the motivation died and so did their effort.
 
And honestly – without sounding conceited I KNOW that given what the course is for, if that person truly wanted that results, then the course IS 100% WHAT THEY WANT AND NEED, and a LOT of effort was put into ti (I see a LOT of really crappy FREE content out there and it really just makes me mad)
 
And here is what I realised – that 25% that see it through to the end?
That’s actually probably ABOVE the average rate of people who commit to a goal and SEE IT THROUGH. 
 
I am going to once again, slightly confidently guess, that that is because the content I offer is from the get-go VERY targeted and the wrong people don’t really tend to end up in this email list (or at least not for long)
 
But whatever the reason, from experience, 25% is actually much higher than what I would hazard a guess is at how many people actually commit and follow through.
 

Probably closer to 10%.

or 5%. 

 
And what has this taught me about “most” people?
 
Well that they just won’t do what is required, They will quit when it gets tough. They will make excuses when they don’t FEEL like it anymore.

Their obstacles are seen as REASONS to QUIT – instead of OPPORTUNITIES to RISE UP.

 
It takes someone special to stick it out. To understand that success in ANY form is not linear. It is not always on the up. And quiet often there are MASSIVE AMOUNTS of downwards time.
 
But they push through ANYWAY – because their commitment is to their goal, not their excuses.
 
Yep – they choose results over excuses.
 
But “most” people? Will choose excuses every time.
 
Maybe a good time to ask which you are – and if you find you are choosing excuses, then it starts with making a CHOICE to no longer allow this standard for yourself.
 
Live Life on Purpose –

Ana

Warning – I’m going fully naked

 

WARNING – I’M GOING FULLY NAKED

 

 

I was doing some mother fucking DEEP journalling just now. I mean like whole new levels of uncovering who I really am that I hadn’t even tapped into yet.

 

And HOLY SHIT – this is either going to set you on fire or make your run for the hills and hit unsubscribe – and the truth is? Whichever you choose I am totally fine with, because I am DONE holding back.

 

Wait what?!

You’ve been holding back Ana? This was you tame?

Well uh… yeah

And now I’m done.

 

I am taking it all off. Going fully naked. And you can hang around and watch if you want, but if this makes you uncomfortable then I’m going to straight up tell you to get out now, because I am just warming up.

 

That thing that I was covering up? Keeping the layers on? Not fully baring all?

 

Is that I am just sick of it. Sick of probably at least 75% of you (and you will very soon if not already know if that counts as you)

 

And I am bored to death of walking on eggshells trying to cover my tracks when quiet frankly, if this offends you, you really shouldn’t be here.

 

And this is probably the nicest way I will say this ever so if you are already getting turned off by me now then it really IS best we part. Because basically – if I am NOT inspiring you, motivating you, pushing you, triggering you and FUCKING getting in your face the way you like it?

Then we are done.

 

Don’t think I don’t see it – see you. Hiding out clicking delete without opening any of my emails. Or never liking or commenting on my FB or Insta posts.

 

Just cruising through.

 

Cause I see it, and you can bet your arse I am about to start just deleting people left right and centre but in case you just want to do me the favour and leave ahead of time then go for it.

 

Cause really? If you AREN’T about the FIRST CLASS life and ALL that involves – the pushing, the crazy, the shit hot body, the mentally stimulating conversations, the passion, the purpose and the mother fucking ACTION TAKING – then you just aren’t one of us, and what I say is just not for you, never has been, and definitely now never will be.

 

There are no lemmings here – you want to work with me? Grind? Step up? And dare to go as naked as I am?

 

Then you need to leave your clothes at the door.

 

The First Class life does not have excuses. And quite frankly I have MAXED out my lifetime supply of giving a fuck about anyone else’s.

 

You have valid reasons? Your situation is so different? You have it SO much tougher than anyone else?

 

Cool. Good luck with that belief system. You are not one of us.

 

BUT if you are – if this is not pissing you off and having you scrolling to the bottom to unsubscribe – then welcome baby…

 

Welcome to Ana 2.0 – the unfiltered version.

 

Totally naked.

 

We are here to change the world. To live life on mother fucking PURPOSE!

 

To create a lifestyle that most only dream of (because they actually sleep enough to dream lots instead of waking up and CREATING THEIR DREAMS!)

 

YOU are a First Class Alpha fucking Superstar!

 

And it is time you owned it. It is time you stepped up in ALL AREAS.

 

You are not just about the hot body, or the rocking career/business, or the soul mate love of your life partner, or the money to support your First Class life –

 

You Are ALL OF THAT and more!

 

Things have changed around here, and if you are by any chance already on the fence about whether this is for you, not to worry beautiful, you will know without a doubt very shortly as this Ana 2.0?

 

She is going to be in your face. Like CONSTANTLY.

 

I will be throwing more content at your then you will possibly know what to do with. Triggering you. Pushing you.

 

Always – ALWAYS – from a place of love. And from BELIEVING in you SO deeply that I am not scared to push you to where you need to go.

 

So if you have read this far then you have a CALL TO ACTION to make now – it is time to choose your side.

 

Click unsubscribe, or click unlike, and I wish you the best.

 

OR – if you are in, 100%, ready to STEP UP into the life YOU KNOW you were born for, and create the YOU 2.0 – then it’s time to put your words where your mouth is!

 

Reply or Comment HELL YES – there is no more hiding behind the layers babe, we are going FULLY NAKED TOGETHER!

 

 

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My dad killed himself this year

 

MY DAD KILLED HIMSELF THIS YEAR

 

 

People will always be quick to tell you how to feel.

 

How to act, react, how you SHOULD handle things, what is best, what is logical, what is expected and what makes them comfortable.

 

When I first made a public announcement a few months ago about this I said that I didn’t yet know what I was processing and how it was all fitting into my head, but that once I did – I would write again.

 

About 6 months have passed now since my dad killed himself, and though there has been no shortage of difficult situations to deal with, I guess now it has come to a time when I have deeply realised something about myself, and also something that I feel is important to pay attention to in life in general.

 

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I don’t usually do disclaimers – I know that if you are reading this then you have probably read and/or listened to a lot of my content over the years, and therefore you are very aware that I speak my mind, I live my truth, and that I in no way expect anyone else to do or feel as I do as we are ALL entitled to our own path and choices in beliefs. Having said that – if you are new here, and believe that this topic is sensitive and triggering to you, let me be clear that I believe it is best you stop reading here. As always – it is your choice what you decide to do going forward.

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Let me start at the start. I found out about what happened late in the evening on a Wednesday. The next morning I woke up as normal, trained every client as normal, did my own workout as normal, said nothing to anyone but my closest friends, colleagues and family, and continued my day.

 

Immediately I felt apprehensive. For the first time in YEARS I began to worry what people would think. My family and friends were amazing – but I worried about those who didn’t know me intimately and how they would view me. Would they judge me for not taking time off “work”? Would they be horrified that the day after this news I was able to smile and laugh and love and appreciate life?

 

My ex-boss (and interestingly the last boss I will ever have, and also by far the best), was one of the first people I voiced this fear to. And he got it. 100%. He understood that I couldn’t “grieve” by falling apart. That I didn’t WANT to take time from my “work” because it was what brings me the most joy in the world. And that not a single fucking person was worthy of being in my life if they dared to judge me for CHOOSING to deal with this exactly in the way it felt right to me – especially when it was full of positivity and love.

 

I was very honest that I wasn’t a rock. For weeks and months I was a mess. Happy and blissful as always when “working”, in love and blissful with my husband…. and also suffering from horrible insomnia where I got by on 1 or 2 hours sleep for weeks, and random bouts of uncontrollable crying.

 

Oh – did I mention this happened 2 weeks before my 30th Birthday???

 

My husband had planned an amazing surprise getaway for me – I literally did not know where we were going for over a week until we got to the Airport! It was something he had spent months saving and planning – he is NOT the planner and organiser in the relationship, and it meant SO MUCH to me that he had done this all by himself to show me how special I am to him.

 

And my dad chose this 2 weeks before my birthday.

 

Which kind of leads me to the next point…. but let me make my first one.

 

A week after this happened I told clients, colleagues, everyone on my public page… and the outpouring of love and support was overwhelming. Not a SINGLE person told me I should have taken time off work. Should have let myself fall apart.

 

EVERY SINGLE person I spoke to told me what I already knew – that you need to process this in the way that is right for you.

 

And I was blown away  with gratitude and love – that THIS is the community I have built, that I have surrounded myself with, that every single person in my life GETS ME and KNOWS that whatever I do I will ALWAYS do right by my truth.

 

My clients were shocked – that I had chosen to not break step for a moment, but at the same time they got it – that is why they come to me.

And because it made sense to them that coming from someone who ENDLESSLY talks about CHOICE and the fact that everything in your life IS YOUR CHOICE, including your actions, people you surround yourself with and lifestyle.

 

Because they know I love what I do, it lights me up, and it makes me feel so energised to know I am improving someone’s life, that I am helping, challenging and shaping their future.

 

How could I EVER want a break from that? It would be like wanting a break from being yourself.

 

But I know not everyone is at the stage where they have yet to cultivate this kind of community and let go of everyone else who refuses to accept you as you are – so to YOU I give this advice –

 

Let go, let them all go. If someone kindly says that you have every right to feel horrible, take time off, fall apart etc – assume they mean the best – but also be perfectly clear about how YOU choose to handle this.

 

There is no right and wrong way – and if there is I highly doubt putting MORE positivity out into the world is the wrong way.

 

People will always want to lovingly tell you how to feel – but in ANY situation, regardless how complicated – that is STILL YOUR CHOICE.

 

It is still 100% completely undeniable fucking PERFECTLY YOUR CHOICE to decide how to deal with it. And like I said – for me taking away the things and people I love and treasure and appreciate beyond belief did NOT feel like the right way for me to deal with loss.

 

As for my second point? Well this is personal. VERY personal.

 

Let me put it as bluntly as I can. My dad made his choice – whatever my or anyone else’s opinion about it, well that’s just for that person to own and deal with.

 

And just as he made his choice – and just as I have been very aware of all my life – I can make ALL my choices – and I do.

 

Where he took something away, I chose to give. Where there was hurt, I chose to love. Where there was anger and blame, I chose to forgive and move on.

 

The emotions we push out onto others do not hurt them – unless they allow it to. It only hurts us, and every negative and spiteful energy we emit only comes back to us.

 

The hate you feel and try to hurt others with, only ever hurts you. And not just once, but it keeps coming back, a life lesson that demands to be learned by bringing more and more pain to you until you finally learn that YOU are the reason this pain is coming to you.

 

And THAT is how I knew that I was the reason this situation was filled with love and not hate for me. I was surrounded by family, friends, colleagues, clients, strangers – who all could not help but support and love me through this, because they all knew how much gratitude and love I had for them and for THIS being my life.

 

Your immediate life and those you are surrounded by give you a great lesson in how your choices have impacted your life.

 

I could not have imagined a better CHOICE to make at the time then to focus on exactly what and who I was so grateful for.

 

My final point – and as I write this it is now 2 months later, what is written immediately above was written and unfinished as I struggled to find an appropriate ending – I finally found the courage to say what I am about to say. And I say it because I need to for me, and because I need anyone out there who has gone through anything similar and who has felt this way and felt BAD because of it to know they are not alone.

 

My dad taught me many things – some good, and there is definitely a handful of good memories that I treasure. But for my entire life the lesson that I subconsciously took from him and the way he treated me, was that I am not worthy.

 

That I am wrong. Broken. Undeserving. Unwanted. Inadequate. Never good enough, no matter what I do or achieve.

 

That no matter what – regardless of how much success I attain, I will never be good enough, never be worthy, never be loved.

 

That I was born bad, that I am inherently a failure, and that I am unworthy of being loved and accepted just as I am.

 

The most painful part of this was not even that this is what he ingrained in me for my entire childhood – but that it was what he chose to repeat after death.

 

There was no saving grace – no peace to be found after his death. For even as he planned his suicide, he (and most likely others who had great influence on him) meticulously planned to make sure that after he was gone, he was able to hurt me further and remind me once again that I was not loved.

 

Not by my father.

 

And if my own father could not love me, how could I ever believe that I am worthy?

 

How could I not believe, as he believed of himself, and passed that belief onto me, that I am worthless, trash, not good enough for anyone to love, or even accept.

 

I know this may be hard to read, it certainly is hard to write.

 

Because it is the first time perhaps ever that I have let these true emotions out – this fear that I am at my core worthless.

 

But here is where it gets different.

 

My dad chose his ending – he chose a life of inflicting his pain on others, and to leave this mortal world inflicting as much pain as possible even after death. (again – 2 weeks before my 30th… I mean COME ON)

 

But I choose differently. I choose love. And I choose acceptance.

 

And I choose to ALLOW MYSELF to release the long held internal beliefs that I am not good enough, not worthy.

 

I choose to not hurt others because I was hurt. Rather – daily I choose to help others HEAL so that I in turn can heal.

 

I choose to trust, even though the man who should have been my greatest role model for a male figure in my life was one I should never have trusted.

 

Instead of pain, I choose healing. Instead of hate, I choose love.

 

And instead of death – I will ALWAYS choose life.

 

 

 

__________________________________________________________________

Is your Life on Track or on a Detour?

Is your Life on Track or on a Detour?

 

 

detour

 

There was a long time in my life, actually probably a couple of decades or so, that I believed that I was born for big things. I don’t know how, I just knew. In what way? Well that changed often, different ideas about career paths, but somehow always in the way that I saw myself speaking in front of thousands, inspiring, helping people to live life on purpose and stop their excuses and STEP THE FUCK UP.

 

The problem was it just never quiet seemed to happen you know?

 

I would move from one job to another, trying new things, and somehow I just KNEW I was meant for more so it would happen.

 

It wasn’t until very recently, this year in fact, that it really hit me that this destiny was NOT guaranteed. I was not ENTITLED to it. It was not a given because it was “meant to be”.

 

I looked at the path of those that had gone before me, and it finally hit me clear as day – I wasn’t that special.

 

I wasn’t that special that success was going to happen to me just cause I wanted it to!

 

I guess it took me a while to understand because so many things had come easily to me in my life. At school I picked things up quickly, when I took up TaeKwonDo I was technically perfect, I had natural abilities that I easily coupled with HARD WORK and shock horror – I excelled.

 

So I guess over time I started to take it for granted that the HARD WORK was a part of it, not just my natural ability.

 

And so as the years passed by, and I kind of moved from idea to idea, always taking to it quickly and easily but then getting bored just as quickly and therefore getting LAZY – I realised I was quickly getting nowhere.

 

Have you ever done that?

 

Just kind of kept looking for the something shinier rather than repolishing the thing you already have?

 

I did that until I took a huge detour into several different industries, and yet somehow always found myself veering back in the same direction.

 

My destiny.

 

Which had not eventuated.

 

Crazy right? It didn’t just happen without me realising?

 

And then it kind of hit me.

 

This is UP TO ME.

 

No one is walking around with my destiny just trying to find me so they can give it to me. And you know what? Neither is yours.

 

You can be as naturally talented as you want, as skilled and as beyond amazing and are just clearly BORN FOR IT, but if YOU don’t do the work and STEP THE FUCK UP then it’s as good as gone. You may as well have never had the talent in the first place.

 

And this is where I see people die daily. Give their lives away – miles and years away from a place where they KNEW what they were meant to do.

 

And so you kind of dragged off in different directions, as life tends to do when you aren’t focused on what is ahead, and suddenly you look back on yourself and you can barely recognise yourself.

You aren’t sure where it went, how it all changed, and how you ended up here.

 

Cause somewhere deep down you always knew you were meant for something more, but you just didn’t well… get there.

 

How did that happen? Or more to the point how didn’t it happen?

 

It was in the moments you walked away. You tossed your hands up. You “took a break”. And before you know it your break was a decade ago and you can barely remember what it was you were taking a break from.

 

Your destiny won’t change. Your purpose, your calling, that THING that you are here on this earth to do and to make a difference and the DREAM of how you are meant to live, it doesn’t have an expiry – and every day that you continue to ignore it is another day wasted.

 

Destiny always wins out – in the end.

 

On their death beds, it seems crystal clear to people what they missed in their life, what they SHOULD have done, how they SHOULD have stepped up, what risks they should have taken and what they most regret NOT having done.

 

It’s never what you have done – it’s always what you HAVEN’T.

 

It’s the way that you kept letting life situations dictate your life – rather than choosing your life.

 

The way you let things happen TO YOU rather than making things happen.

 

The way that now that it’s all over it seems SO OBVIOUS how easy it would have been for you to just stop the excuses and be BRAVE and do the work.

 

But in the moment- you are tired. You are bored. You are unmotivated. And you are uncertain.

 

So in that moment of weakness, of emotional state, you walk away. And then the next day.

 

And then before you know it you have kept walking so far that it’s the end of your life and you can’t even be sure where you ended up.

 

Your destiny will not just happen to you, it won’t come up to you at just the right time to say “ok well now you are here”.

 

FUCK that beautiful.

It is you all the way. Each and every day. You want it?

 

Then just show up and TAKE IT.

 

Each and every day. Over and over. Until. And if it doesn’t work?

 

What – straight away?

 

Well then you keep showing up. This is your destiny babe, not a detour.

 

Get the FUCK OFF the detour, and onto your real path.

 

And then just don’t get off. It really is as simple as that. You get on it and you stay on it.

 

And then when you are sitting there at the end of your life and looking back you will have no regrets, nothing you gave up on, nothing you held back.

 

 

Ana sign off

 

 

 

Be Original or Die in Mediocrity

Be Original or Die in Mediocrity

 

thelightbulb

For the longest time I thought there was always a right way to do things.

A right way to build success, to build a business, to well….be me.

 

And most importantly – I thought that someone else had that answer.

 

Someone that had gone before me that knew so much more than me, had the experience, had been there done that, and could teach me step by step the way to get to where they are.

 

I guess it was a lot to do with the schooling system – you are always learning to do things like everyone else. Study like everyone else. Learn like everyone else. Arrive at the same conclusions as everyone else.

 

Originality, innovative thinking, stepping outside the norm is not encouraged. Veering from the status quo is annoying. The child who refuses to sit still and learn like the others is quickly ridiculed and shunned for being disruptive. The child who thinks of different ways of getting the same task done is told that that is “not right” and essentially shut down for being skilled enough to come up with a better and more efficient way of doing something.

 

I was always a nerd. I loved to study, I loved to work hard, and I loved to join the dots and make everyone around me happy. Very quickly though, as learning got tougher I began to be shunned and put back in my place.

 

My report cards always read: Ana has no trouble keeping up with the work load, however she disrupts other students who are not a quick as she will finish her work and begin talking.

 

Correct – I was being blamed for the work load not being challenging enough. There was no concern that I could possibly be pushed even further, that I could be special, that I should be encouraged to expand and grow and see where my natural talents could take me.

 

No. Unfortunately anything outside the norm in the school system is shunned, regardless if you are falling behind or leaping ahead.

 

So I was discouraged from leaping, encouraged to slow myself down to bring myself down to others levels, to not over achieve as it made OTHERS feel uncomfortable.

 

Do you know what that’s like? I think you might.

 

And you know what? In the end, I don’t mind one bit that they held me back to make themselves more comfortable.

 

Because perhaps, had I been more challenged, had I had more than a small handful of teachers  over the years who took the time to give me extra work and challenges so that I could grow rather than wilt, well perhaps then…. perhaps I would have continued along improving their candles for a while longer –

 

Rather than inventing the light bulb.

 

Perhaps if they had supported me more, encouraged me to leap within the safe confines of their rules and regulations, I would have created some damn awesome candles – as long as they didn’t push the envelope too far.

 

But instead, I got sick of it. I got sick of being held back. First by school, then by Uni, then by real life adult work.

 

I got sick of everyone’s rules, Everyone’s demands on what you can and can’t do, on how you should and should not be, how success does or does not look.

 

I got  so FUCKING OVER IT that I smashed the damn candles to the ground and STARTED ALL OVER AGAIN.

 

I walked away from it all. Let the ashes fall where they may. And left the lemmings to their constant improvement of candles. I think Soy is what’s hot right now….

 

Instead – I stepped into being me. 100%. No holding back. No restrictions on how I show up, what I say, how I act and what impact I make on the world.

 

I invented the fucking light bulb.

 

MY light bulb.

 

That thing that I had always been told I shouldn’t do – that I shouldn’t tread on anyone’s toes, not upset others, not cause others to feel inferior by me doing more.

 

That my whole frickin life should basically be about trying to please others. Screw myself. Screw what I ever wanted or what difference I could make if I just stopped trying to please everyone else.

 

And so I said FUCK THAT.

 

I was never cut out to be a lemming with a candle.

 

And neither are you babe.

You are an Alpha fucking Superstar. 

 

You have always stood out, couldn’t blend in even when you tried. Even when you managed to put on the clothes, dress the way they told you, as soon as you opened your mouth it was all over.

 

You couldn’t hold your originality back. It was clear that you are POWERFUL.

 

You refuse to take anyone else’s shit.

 

And you refuse to conform.

 

And you rebel against conformity like your life depends on it.

 

Only because it fucking does!

 

Because you will die – and you sure as hell will not die in mediocrity.

 

Die hoping that everyone liked you.

 

That you didn’t rattle too many feathers, that you just leave a pretty candle behind rather than piss people off with your light bulb.

 

You will NOT die in Mediocrity.

 

So stop playing so small. Stop letting their well trained words into your ears.

 

“You’re not doing this right. You shouldn’t do that. This isn’t the way it’s done.”

 

“That won’t work. You can’t do that.”

 

“Please oh please oh PLEASE don’t do that or you will make XYZ look bad.”

 

You know – cause they don’t actually have the balls to do it?

 

And god forbid you should upset a lemming right?

 

Cause then they might just what…. go have a bitch about you with the other lemmings to make themselves feel better and then carry on with their mediocrity?

 

You know what babe? THAT IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

 

You never have been, and you NEVER WILL BE responsible for anyone else’s feelings that arise from you stepping up and shining like the superstar you are.

 

 

Haters gonna hate.

 

And lemmings gonna lemming.

 

And you my dear, my dear dear superstar – well you are gonna light the world on fire!

 

 

Ana sign off

 

 

 

When you doubt yourself

EVEN LEADERS CAN FALL

sheneededhero

Reality check time – I am not always “on”

 
I know this can seem strange especially if you have ever met me in person, but the reason that I am so frickin bubbly is 2 things:
 

1. I CHOOSE to be

2. I am doing what I love to do – living my purpose, my passion, my very core.

 
The second is a given – but I often forget that most people don’t get this. Because “most” people don’t do what they love, what they are called to do, what makes them wake up early and stay up late at night – by choice.
 
But the most important part is the CHOICE part.
 

I am a constant contradiction of normality.

 
I love people – but I am also an innate loner.
I thrive from being around those that inspire and push me to become better – but I also require a crazy amount of alone time.
I love speaking – but I also cannot speak unless inspired to do so.
I need to be surrounded, and I need to be left alone.
 
And in this abnormality – I know I am not alone.
 
I have gone through so many phases in my life – being absolutely sure I was an extrovert, to then questioning it and believing that I had it wrong all along and I was an introvert…. to second guessing that all over again.
 
And it wasn’t until very recently that I decided I’m not defined by a fucking word.
 
At least not any word given to me by anyone else.
 
Just because I hate being in social situations surrounded by small talk and small minds DOESN’T make me an introvert.
 
And just because I can be the life of the party when surrounded by those that inspire, challenge and grow me DOESN’T make me an extrovert.
 
Instead – I am just me. I thrive in situations and surrounded by people who are as unsatisfied with the status quo as I am. Who see the potential for more. Who understand that there is always more than enough to go around, and that we can all have it all if we just have the guts to step up and take it.
 
And this just me? Well I wilt. Like a flower slowly cowering when you take away my sun – take away the deep, meaningful conversations, take away the chance to grow, take away my opportunity for MORE and I wilt, I become claustrophobic, and I literally feel the air being sucked out of my lungs with anxiety.
 
Not because I am an introvert- but because I am too focused on taking advantage of every chance I have to connect, to grow, to expand, that the idea that this minute, this hour, this night could be wasted on nothing and I would have nothing to show for it, no new friendship made, no mutual goal achieved, THIS suffocates me.
 
So going back to choice….
 
I choose to get up, show up, and step the fuck up each and every day whether I feel like it or not. Whether the world feels like it is aligning for me today or not.
 
A few nights ago I spent well over 2 hours doing something that should have taken 5 minutes or less.
 
The next night I was pushed even further with technology deciding NOT to work with me, spending more hours doing something that shouldn’t even have been an issue.
 
I was tired. I was frustrated. I had to be up in a matter of hours to start my day again, and I was angry and over it and ready for a bottle of wine and tub of ice cream.
 

Despite this – I continued. Because you know what?

 
It’s what I do.
 
I tell my clients this all the time – and I know many times they probably think “oh it’s all well and good for you” – so here it is.
 
No it is not always well and good for me.
 
At least not if you want to look at it “honestly and realistically” – whatever the hell that means!
 
Being realistic has never got me any further in life, it’s just another limitation. So you wonder why these people who seem to have it all always look like they have it all?
 

Let me be the one to break this illusion once and for all and tell you what no one else will.

 

THEY DON’T.

 
They still stumble, they still fall, they still have times of weakness, they still battle problems in life – their health, money, relationships, they are not magically immune!
 
And I don’t even class myself as one of “those” people yet anyway!
 
I feel like I look around at everything around me these days, all the mentors/figures I follow, watch their livestreams, read their posts, and I can’t help to think – were they ever truly where I am now?
 
There is no one that I can come across who says what it is really like when IT IS a struggle.
 
It is all past tense – all the magical stories of how hard IT WAS for them, all the stuff THEY OVERCAME, all the money they DIDN’T HAVE, and all the mental battles they had to push through.
 
But it’s all in the past. They are rich now, they have “made it”.
 
And it almost feels like sometimes they forget what it was like to be in that place (if many of them even were, I guess if you don’t know the person personally you just make the choice you want about what to believe)
 
And it isn’t their fault. Because I know how hard it is – when you ARE in it, when it is a struggle, when you HAVEN’T made it, you feel like they just won’t get it, and that there is no one else out there like you.
 

So you don’t share that. You hide it, you hide yourself. Because you might get judged, because you might lose clients, because you have been told SO many times that you only get what you focus on so don’t you dare for a moment focus on the fact that you haven’t MADE IT yet.

 
I get it. But what about this?
 
What about a moment – just a moment, once in a while, to take a deep breath and let it out – and own your journey, the idea that it isn’t always going to be easy, that you won’t make it overnight, and that that is ok.
 
To remind others who now look at the “higher” mentors and wonder if they will ever get there, and if it really was as bad as they say it was in the day – how about a moment to remind yourself that YOU ARE THERE.
 
And a mental note that when you are there – to look back once in a while and remember what it was. What TRUE doubt looked like – not from a “will I reach my new incredible income goal this year” but from a “will I be able to pay my rent/mortgage this month” frame of doubt.
 

Not to put you in a bad state mind you – I know you can’t stay there and focus on what you don’t want.

 
But as humans we grow and we learn from pleasure AND pain – and sometimes a reminder of what we don’t want can push us even further into alignment with what we do want and why we do what we do.
 

So I’m asking – if you relate to this, if you feel this, if you are WILLING to admit that you too have doubts, though of course you don’t indulge them, because just like me you suck it up and carry on because it is YOUR CHOICE how your life turns out, and you shape that with your very thoughts.

 

IF you feel me – leave a comment. Let’s not be alone in this – let’s be a new generation of leaders who lead not just from success but from growth, a reminder that we all have lessons to learn constantly, and to never forget out roots – to always be grateful for the love and prosperity we attract, because we REMEMBER the pain.

 

 

Ana sign off

 

 

 

You’ve always been a bit different right?

You’ve always been a bit different right?

 

andthosewhowere

 

Seen things others didn’t, imagined the world in ways most can’t, and dared to assume certain things are a given that everyone else just seem to deem unlikely.

 

Like that you were born for a reason, for a purpose, for something bigger than to live, exist and die.

 

But just like that music that you hear everywhere you go that no one else hears – you have a drive and reason within you that screams so loudly yet no one else can hear it.

 

I know you, because I am you.

 

Born for the push, for the blind faith and the jump.

 

You feel like all you do is jump, headfirst, into who knows what, guided only by your very soul that knows exactly what it craves and needs.

 

You don’t really know how, or why, or what makes you different. You just know you are.

 

Because when others hesitantly dance around the point, dip a toe in here and there, take one step forward then shuffle two steps back – you are already sprinting, running and leaping head first into the unknown, diving into that which terrifies you, with little or no idea how you will make this work, but just the deep faith that you will.

 

You have to.

 

There is no other way.

 

Those without that voice, that drive, that inner soul that pulses for more, they will see your crazy. Irresponsible. Unrealistic and immature.

 

They cannot hear the music.

 

But you and I, with the melody deep in our souls, driving and steering us to where we need to go, we leap and we dance and we let our crazy out because it feels so real to us.

 

The music.

It is so loud.

So beautiful.

That we can’t understand how everyone isn’t dancing?

 

Reality is what you make of it, and yours was never like anyone else’s. From a young age you knew this – you saw things in different ways. The world wasn’t crystal clear – it was always shades, shades of options, of unlimited growth.

 

And it didn’t scare you – it excited you.

 

And then you realised there are more of you out there.

 

More people like you. Like me. Us who dance to the music in our own heads.

 

Who chase dreams that others can’t see.

 

THIS is how history is made. THIS is how life is improved. THIS IS GROWTH.

 

And we are hungry for it. Day in and day out. We do not feed on food and water – we feed on pursuit. On push.

On SOUL FOOD

 

Whatever your music, whatever your dance. 

When you are there – the rest of the world slips away.

 

And maybe that’s ok. Maybe those of us who don’t truly live in the real world aren’t meant for it anyway.

 

Maybe what we see transcends – and maybe we aren’t so crazy for hearing the music, maybe it’s not hearing it that makes you crazy.

 

 

Ana sign off