ISN’T IT TIME TO LET YOUR SOUL DRIVE?

 

ISN’T IT TIME TO LET YOUR SOUL DRIVE?

 

 

I  want to see your soul bleed.

 

I want to rip you open, to pull you apart, to tear down your walls and see your RAW.

 

What lies at your core. I want to see you NAKED.

 

Your soul stripped bear. Nothing to cover the mistakes, to mask the injuries, nothing to hide behind.

 

Your gorgeous, naked SOUL.

 

I want to see what it holds. What is within that has ALWAYS been there and will ALWAYS be there and cannot NOT be there.

 

 

No matter how long it’s been since you listened to it. Since you even ACKNOWLEDGED it.

 

Since you allowed it to be vulnerable and still and perfect in its imperfection.

 

Do you remember what that was like?

 

When you were able to breathe into yourself and FEEL the very core of who you are, where the pain felt AMAZING, where you KNEW that no matter what, NOTHING CAN TOUCH YOU

 

Because you were so perfectly aligned with you, that letting your IMPERFECT show wasn’t anything to worry about.

 

It didn’t matter if you let it all out, let the world see every lump and bump, because you knew you were taken care of.

 

Loved. Accepted. And forever whole.

 

Do you remember that time gorgeous? Last month? Last year? Or was it longer?

 

Was it years ago, maybe decades?

 

Was it around the time that ADULTING became a thing?

 

 

When you had to GROW UP,

 

ACT THE PART,

 

And FALL INTO LINE.

 

Was that the time that your soul died just a little? Squirmed at the injustice of it all? And sighed a deep sigh of resignation as it joined the lemmings in slow and silent death?

I want you to hear it NOW beautiful.

 

I want you to STOP ignoring it’s sighs. It’s pain. It’s attempts to break free.

 

I WANT TO SEE YOUR SOUL BLEED

 

Let it out – in all it’s glory.

 

No matter if you break down. If you cry. If you wail. If you throw things and scream and flail.

 

Because you are FIGHTING!

 

You are fighting quiet literally for YOUR LIFE.

 

For your limitless and timeless SOUL that has been and always will be and will CONTINUE to be long after your human expeirence here is DONE.

 

It doesn’t care about your paycheck. What your friends are doing. Who won the Bachelor.

 

That shit is INCONSEQUENTIAL to it’s life force. To it’s total and overwhelming power.

 

It wants to MOVE. To TRANSFORM. To be your source of POWER when you move in flow and in alignment and in absolute imperfect perfection towards what you KNOW is your path.

 

Cause you know right? I mean come on. Let’s put the bullshit away now shall we, I think we’re friends by now? 😉

 

YOU KNOW.

You’ve ALWAYS known.

 

Even as you firmly state to yourself “but I just don’t KNOW!”

 

You KNOW.

 

Because you feel it. You feel it in snippets right now.

 

You feel it when your soul lights up. When time slows or stops still, or speeds up.

 

You feel it when everything is effortless.

 

It may have been a while – but I know you know that feeling.

 

How long has it been since you let it be fun? Let your life be effortless? In flow?

 

ISN’T IT TIME TO LET YOUR SOUL DRIVE?

 

Let it out from the back seat and let it take the wheel?

 

I want to see your soul bleed. BURN. Set fire to your bullshit limits and excuses and just REFUSE to see, to feel, to FOCUS on anything BUT what you TRULY feel is real.

 

No matter the situation. No matter the circumstance. No matter the reasons, and excuses and BLAH BLAH BULLSHIT.

 

It’s time to let your soul shine through. Speak for you and THROUGH you.

 

You’re not getting out of this alive you know?

 

So might make sense to let the immortal part of you drive, rather than the self inflicted constraints of your current human experience.

 

Might as well – you know… be you.

 

I want to see your pain. Your scars. Your beauty and your vulnerability.

 

Because THAT is what this world needs. No more fake. No more staging and posing.

 

That is what YOU need. And when you FINALLY give yourself what you TRULY need again?

 

You will in turn give the world what it needs.

 

And it needs YOU – to unleash your SOUL – bare, naked and EXPOSED.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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THE PLAN IS YOU. YOU’VE ALWAYS KNOWN THE WAY. YOU JUST GOT TAUGHT TO FORGET. 

 

 

THE PLAN IS YOU. YOU’VE ALWAYS KNOWN THE WAY.

YOU JUST GOT TAUGHT TO FORGET. 

 

 

There’s this thing we do, kind of like a game we play.

 

Where we tell ourselves that we can’t do something, not yet, not in that way, not UNTIL the other ducks are all in a row.

 

It’s sort of like a procrastination hack – a way of tricking our minds into not going all in, to not committing and following through because –

 

Well because we are scared.

 

Scared that we might fail. Scared that we don’t know enough – or that we ARE NOT ENOUGH.

 

Scared that it may all come to nothing. Scared of what others will think. Scared of our own ability to follow through.

 

So we bide our time. We say things need to be JUST SO. That right now it’s just too busy, too much going on, and besides where would you ever start?

 

You don’t know this path, you need to take some time to work on it first, figure out where to go and the STEPS to get there.

 

OH GOD you NEED to have all the STEPS! (insert copious amounts of sarcasm!)

 

Because it would be stupid, irresponsible to just DO IT.

 

To just lock in your direction and take some action, ANY action towards it.

 

No, the steps need to be worked out. The path needs to be cleared. Supplies must be packed and preparations made.

 

You can’t just GO!

 

Well except that… you can.

 

In fact you have. Hundreds if not thousands of times in your life.

 

When you decided to roll over as a baby, you didn’t have any idea what the steps are. You didn’t understand what the adults were saying when they tried to teach you.

 

You just… well… rolled.

 

You didn’t know how to walk. I mean you saw the adults doing it, but again it didn’t make much sense what they were saying, so you just decided to walk.

 

And you stumbled. And you fell. And you grasped onto anything you could find to support you.

 

Your path wasn’t clear – you just knew that from where you are on the ground you wanted to get upright. You didn’t have the steps perfectly laid out so that everything was ready for your first spectacularly perfect steps.

 

They were crappy steps. You looked like an idiot.

 

But you did it ANYWAY!

 

And then again. And you looked less stupid. Until eventually you looked just like the adults. And not having known how, or knowing the steps or anything else, you DID THE THING!

 

You’ve done this over and over in your life. Largely before you reached adulthood and suddenly the best and most effective way of doing ANYTHING was pushed away as stupid, and unworthy and not good enough.

 

Nobody CARED about your big dream if you didn’t have the dots all perfectly joined.

And so you changed. You forgot how to just DECIDE and DO – and you started preparing.

 

Stalling really. Fucking yourself up repeatedly REALLY.

 

Drumming it into your brain that you ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH to do anything like that yet. You haven’t done it for long enough, worked all the steps out enough, your plan is NOT YET perfect.

 

So you didn’t dare move. Didn’t dare to rock the boat. Didn’t dare to JUST BELIEVE

 

What would happen if you just believed?

 

What would happen if you forgot how to adult and stepped back into that powerful childhood mentality and just DECIDED that it is DONE?

 

That that thing you want, that thing that keeps creeping through your mind and calling you, that thing that you keep pushing down and trying to make it feel less intense –

 

What if you just ALLOWED it to HAPPEN?

 

If you stopped questioning yourself, your worth, your ability, your EVERYTHING.

 

And instead just BELIEVED, that this is DONE

 

The plan is you.

 

That you already have ALL the tools you need to get it. That in fact really, you already have it, because time is relative and everything you want is already yours.

 

Except for the fact that you don’t BELIEVE it.

 

No amount of doing, of preparing, of waiting for the magical worthiness god to come down and appoint you READY – is going to make it happen.

 

Only you, only your belief, will make it real.

 

Will bring it into your reality,

 

What would happen if you just believed?

 

If you just decided RIGHT NOW that this game is done, and that you are ENOUGH to just make the move?

 

There is nothing left to plan. No steps left to figure out. No approval to seek.

 

Give yourself approval. The plan is YOU. The steps?

 

Are what you figure out along the way.

 

Lock it in baby – Live Life on Purpose!

 

 

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I will bend, but I will not break

 

I WILL BEND, BUT I WILL NOT BREAK!

 

 

I may look tattered, may look worn, may look like all my threads are coming undone –

 

but you will not break me!

 

You see I – and YOU – we aren’t made like the others.

 

We aren’t made to fall apart, to take a step back, to run away in the face of adversity.

 

We are a whole different breed. Born of years of learning to be TOUGH, to be INDEPENDENT, to DO THE MOTHER FUCKING WORK!

 

 

Which is not to say that we don’t also take the time to RECEIVE, to surrender and to allow everything we desire to just TURN up for us.

 

Of COURSE we do THAT!

But when all you are coming against are walls, blocks, little and BIG obstacles that are just SO DAMN SET on pushing you off path and into oblivion, into the mass’s, into *SHOCK HORROR* the LEMMINGS!

You rebel. You scream NO – in both your words and your actions.

 

You can’t ask me to stop, to wallow, to give up.

 

Any more than you could ask me to stop breathing and yet continue living. It is IDIOTIC, totally MORONIC and just NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.

 

No matter how desparate, how down, how beaten and down trodden you are – giving up is never an option.

 

Because you may bend, but you will not break.

 

With your vision, your purpose, your FUTURE set firmly in your sights, giving up on this and moving away because ALL THE SHIT HIT THE FAN is just NOT going to happen.

 

You are tough, not just mentally, but spiritually.

 

Because you understand that what sets you apart isn’t your strength of WILL, of RESOLVE, of GRIT and DETERMINATION.

 

I mean SURE – that stuff is cool right?

 

It’s the kind of thing you bragged about in school and everyone doted on you and the teachers loved your WORK ETHIC and just generally you were fucking AWESOME.

 

Ok. COOL. Great.

 

And???

I mean really – AND???? What the fuck did that stuff even matter when the thing that was really deep down could be broken???

 

And that thing? That INCREDIBLY thing that kept you going through it all when even the TOUGHEST, most mentally prepared, GIFTED students crumpled???

Well – it wasn’t your mind, it wasn’t your mental ability –

 

No – it was your SPIRIT baby.

 

Your very soul and purpose from which ALL your drive originates.

 

THAT SPIRIT – YOUR SPIRIT –

 

It could never be broken. And so the rest didn’t matter. You were tough. You were strong. Resilient. You bounced back. NOTHING COULD TOUCH YOU.

 

Not despite having a weak soul purpose – but BECAUSE of it.

 

You see any BANDAID mental tricks can be TORN DOWN.

 

I’ve seen it, I’ve done it, I’ve ORCHESTRATED it.

 

If you think that all it takes to succeed on a massive scale, to keep pushing yourself, to challenge and pick yourself up over and over and be the WINNER and LEADER that you KNOW you are born for –

 

If you think that all it takes is the mindset, the mental work – then you are going to be broken.

 

It may not happen quickly, but it will happen.

 

Because the only thing impervious to EVERYTHING in this human experience, is your SPIRITUAL BEING.

 

So you can try to break me, and I may bend, I may shift, I may adjust – BUT –

 

I will never break. Because at the core of it all is not anything MENTAL, anything WORDS CAN DEFINE (and you know how much I love words!) – it is spirit.

 

It is soul. It is purpose. It is that thing that resides so deep and completely as a part of me that I am never without it – no matter what happens. Take away all my support, all my physical and mental attributes –

 

I will walk by faith – and not by sight.

As it always has been – and always will be.

 

 

 

 

 

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You Are NOT Lost just because You Are STILL Searching

 

 

You Are NOT Lost just because You Are STILL Searching

 

 

 

I want to step into you. To feel you. To feel the deepest parts of your soul that scare you and that you run away from.

 

For those voices live inside of me too, and I want to help you listen to them.

 

Beautiful soul – you are not broken. You are not needing to be fixed. And you are not DONE.

 

I know this feeling – this desperation, this fear, this all consuming worry that you are not and never will be – ENOUGH.

 

You feel like your whole life you have been climbing, scrambling mostly, trying to make it look as elegant as possible, but only you really see the scratches, bruises and scars that you have gotten along the way.

 

And you wonder, sometimes in the darkest moments when you are totally alone and the world has faded away and nothing and no one requires OF YOU in that moment –

 

Am I lost? I feel that I am on the right path, it feels MINE, it feels RIGHT.

 

But then why am I still searching? Why am I not THERE – if this path truly is MINE?

 

Have I somehow veered off without realising and now am miles and years from where I truly want to go?

 

You are not lost, just because you are still searching.

 

I know those voices well – that second guess you, that try to point you to the “proof” that this isn’t working, that you’re not really getting anywhere, and why don’t you just stop, give up and give in –

 

And fall into line with the lemmings.

 

And in those painful moments when you are tested once more, when the walls come caving in and you have to once again BREATHE and RELEASE and TRUST in yourself –

 

You remember once again – why you can’t do that. You can dress yourself up all you like, walk and talk and pretend to be like them – but you never will be.

 

You aren’t a lemming, never have been, and never will be.

 

And though you feel lost, feel like you are forever chasing an elusive dream that feels so close and yet so far at the same time –

 

You know there is no other way.

 

Beautiful soul, don’t turn away now. Your path is so much more complex because your destiny is so much greater than just you.

 

I know you have tried – to push this down, file it away, pretend it isn’t there.

 

Like someone who has allowed themselves to gain ever more weight will try to smooth their clothing, wear more layers, hide from the reality of the lumps and bumps they don’t want to admit to.

 

But just like those bumps will find a way out, your truth will ALWAYS push it’s way to the surface.

 

Over and over it will scream LISTEN.

LET ME OUT!

 

I don’t care that you’re scared, I don’t care that you don’t know HOW, I don’t care that you want to THROW IN THE TOWEL AND WALK THE FUCK AWAY!

 

I don’t care, I don’t care, I DON’T CARE!

 

Because I want what I want, what I need, what I am BORN for.

 

Regardless what your mere mortal being constraints think of that, let alone what any other mortal being LEMMINGS think of it.

 

This is beyond that, beyond them. Beyond even YOU in this time and space.

 

And it won’t shut up, won’t be silenced, won’t be pushed down and REFUSES to be forgotten.

 

You are searching because you are growing, ever expanding.

 

You are not dead, therefore you have life yet to search for. Goals, dreams, YOUR SOUL PURPOSE to follow and to be LED BY IT.

 

A lemming afterall perhaps – if only that you cannot help but continue to follow YOUR TRUE PATH.

 

No matter how long, how complex or how lost you feel along the way.

 

Keep going beautiful soul, for your own sake and for everyone else’s.

 

Let those voices say their bit, and bless them and keep going.

 

Feel the fear – and do what you need to do anyway.

 

You will ALWAYS feel this resistance, this frustration, this FUCK FUCK FUCK meltdowns…

 

You can choose to continue on despite of it.

 

You can choose to not let fear guide you, but rather your faith.

 

And in the end… really?!

 

You know you can’t not.

 

 

 

 

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Learning to LOVE the PAIN

 

 

Learning to LOVE the PAIN

 

 

ANA BROOKS

 

 

It’s not just me is it?

 

Addicted to the burn, to the pain, to the internal turmoil –

 

Of what you ask?

 

 

Of it all. Of your life. Of this total need to surrender, to dive in, whether you have breath in your lungs or not –

You just jump anyway, take the leap, with no real idea where you will fall, or if anything could ever catch you.

 

This isn’t real anyway – this life you see around you – the people sitting in cafes discussing their office jobs and office politics, the reality TV show they are watching, the sport they are following…

 

In other words – other peoples lives they are following.

 

 

None of this is real, none of this even fucking matters.

 

 

It never has to you has it?

 

Since the first time you were able to form thoughts, emotions, you just KNEW that you didn’t fit in.

 

You were different. You didn’t give a flying fuck about the current hot tv series, or what so and so’s boyfriend is up to, or what baby crib is the cutest right now…

 

You felt so alone – where were your people?

 

The ones who get deep – who don’t ask you how your day is and “what’s up?” but who ask you –

 

What do you dream of? What is your deepest fear? If you were to die today what would you regret, what would you wish you had done?

 

No, I couldn’t care less who stayed together on the latest reality show…

 

 

But tell me – who are you? What makes your soul alive? WHY THE FUCK are you even alive????

 

 

When was the last time you felt pain so deep and so intense that you cried with joy?

 

 

That it made you burn and cry and scream and FEEL LIKE YOU ARE FUCKING FLYING?

 

 

Are you addicted? The the grind? To the push? Do you chase the fall?

 

And then slowly, surely – you found yourself.

 

And then others like you.

 

Us.

 

Who can’t sit still. Who die everyday and then push themselves through the trenches to feel alive again.

 

 

Who walk through fire not because they are scared to – but because they fucking have to – they have to feel the burn, to know they are heading in the right direction.

 

Cause growth comes from hardship right? From pushing yourself further? From moving out of your comfort zone?

 

So then why the fuck would you sit in this moment, and not even enjoy it?

 

Worse than not pushing to new levels of all that this infinite human form can be – is that you aren’t even in this moment.

 

You drown – in the tv show, in food, in drugs, in your drug of choice… in the thing you use to hide your fears.

 

 

That maybe this is all too much – that maybe you are too fucking powerful for even yourself.

 

 

You are here. Right now. In the right place. With those who get you. Who never say die. Who are addicted to IT ALL – the pain, the burn, the intensity.

 

 

 

 

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Are you creating a Life or a Lie?

 

Are you creating a Life or a Lie?

 

 

I remember back when I was a wee teenager – somewhere around the final few years of high school, they sent you to a career counsellor.

 

Someone so clearly trained in the art of figuring out what you want to do that they figured out that what they want to do is help you figure out what you want to do.

 

Yeah.  I didn’t really buy it.

 

But they gave you some lame aptitude test, and another one about what type of job you are “suited to” (omg WTF???!!!) and then plugged out some ideas, like a smorgasboard of pre-prepared, over cooked and totally dry and bland “rest of your life” ideas.

 

And then I watched as sure enough – 99% of the sheep (myself included!) went and picked one of these well trodden paths and off they went.

 

And somewhere along the way it hit me –was I creating a Life? Or a Lie?

 

Was I actually doing anything that mattered? To me? To anyone?

 

Was I going to follow in the footsteps of all those before me and design this cookie cutter life?

 

I could see it was where most were still headed, largely blind to the possibility that they are actually getting further and further from their TRUTH.

 

I didn’t really get how it wasn’t obvious to them though?

 

I mean they whinged about their jobs mostly non-stop. Rarely got crazy excited about anything except maybe their next holiday that they saved up all year at the job they hate so they can go on it….

 

I felt like I was in the twilight zone – was I the only one seeing this?

 

In the midst of their claims that they are creating a Life – I could very clearly see all they had created was a Lie.

 

A facade of what LOOKS good to the masses – the going out, social events, nice cars, nice houses… but on the inside?

 

They were still as lost as the day that career counsellor had first nudged them in a particular direction.

 

And the further it got? The further the lie was hidden. Until some, well MOST – no longer realise there was ever anything more to it.

 

Their house is now SO nice, their car SO fancy and their paychecks SO handsome that they have started to believe that this IS what they wanted all along anyway.

 

Never mind the mind numbing dullness. The stagnation. The lack of any kind of spark or burning from within.

 

The problem with this lie is that it is such a good one.

 

It makes you feel secure. Comfortable. Confident.

 

So if ever the inner voice dares to rise and ask the dreaded questionHOLD ON – IS THIS ALL THERE IS???

 

Well – it gets jammed back down quicksmart.

 

Cause I’ve got the house, the car, the spouse and the 2.5 kids with netflix and takeaway 2 nights per week so FUCK YOU

 

Right?!

 

How dare this voice try to pop up now? And whisper? So softly – WHAT IS THIS?

 

What is this LIE that you are masquerading as a LIFE?

 

What happened to me? To what you KNOW inside is true? To what you were going to do before the world told you it wasn’t real?

 

And then the choice comes – do you jam that whispered voice back down again? To maybe resurface again in a few years? Or to be stifled and resurface as illness, disease?

 

Or do you FINALLY, TRULY – let it out?

 

Let it be heard.

 

Let yourself be REAL

 

And change course – in the direction of your truth, not in the direction of the path set for you so many years ago.

 

How about you finally step back onto YOUR path?

The one no one has walked- because it is your own?

 

Because it was ALWAYS meant to be brought to life by YOU alone.

 

 

I don’t wanna brag but…

 

I don’t wanna brag but…

 

I’ve already put my underwear AND leggings on backwards  today – and it’s only 8am!

 

I know, I know…

I really shouldn’t be so hoity toity and bragging about it – but I mean come on –

I’ve basically just won at life so surely it deserves a moment of bragging?

 

🙂 🙂 🙂

Seriously though – want to know what the best part of this achievement was?

 

I didn’t even let it phase me. I laughed. I sighed. I laughed again and moved on with my life.

 

And as stupid and miniscule as it seems – something really hit me at that moment –

 

There was a time in my life where I would let stuff get to me.

Things people said. Silly little inconveniences, that kind of stuff mostly.

And it kept happening – the more I got upset by a hater online or in real life – the more haters came out of the wood work!

 

And the more I let little things like the wrong coffee order, inside out undies, or rude service people get to me – the more it just kept happening!

 

And so whilst I sighed and giggled at myself about my backward situation I stopped and thought – and I mean I REALLY HAD TO THINK HARD –

 

When was the last time I got a hater comment? A rude service person? A horrible service experience at ANY store?

 

Um…. off the top of my head? I was blank.

 

When I dug a little deeper, I managed to remember the annoying car park situation in the city where technology did not work as needed and we ended up having to over pay for parking due to their stupid systems. I remembered that it had really annoyed me – for like 15 seconds! Then I paid it, and moved on with my life.

 

I had to really STRUGGLE to remember that too! Regardless of the fact that at the time, for those few seconds, I was seriously pissed!

 

But I have become so good at brushing those things off and totally out of my mind, that it took a real concentrated effort to remember something that happened only a few days ago and that had really annoyed me!

 

I am just THAT good at choosing to let it go and not let it continue to fester.

 

And then just for fun? I asked myself – when was the last time I had someone say something good about me? Or service be great somewhere?

 

Without a moments hesitation a flood of memories came to me – at least 4 or 5 instances of clients openly expressing how much of a difference my training/coaching has meant for their lives, every single purchase experience being an amazingly kind one, and feeling so much appreciation for all those whom I had come into contact with.

 

It was EASY

 

And the trick? Is so simple! You get MORE of what you FOCUS on.

 

When something happens that elicits NEGATIVE emotions in you – you need to feel it and LET IT GO asap! The longer you dwell on it, the longer you allow those negative vibrations to take hold in your body and therefore what you attract.

 

And? When something good happens?

 

FEEL IT and STOP IN THE MOMENT and enjoy it! Acknowledge it. Let that warm happy feeling seep through you. Take it within you and hold it.

 

 

It is a practise like ANY other – what you repeatedly DO AND FEEL – you BECOME!

 

 

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Everything that drowns me makes me wanna fly

Everything that drowns me makes me wanna fly

 

 

I can’t be the only person who has ever tried to manufacture a rock bottom? Your very own breakdown?


It’s all too common I guess – for the Type A, crazy action taking, pushing and grinding and DEMANDING among us to not allow ourselves anywhere rock bottom.

We are too IN CONTROL.

 

To take off to drugs, to alcohol, other forms of getting ourselves to total rock bottom status, where everything and everyone around us rallies around to intervene and what fondly becomes known as “the day it all started to turn around”

 

But for those of us who won’t ever get there, for whom the push and the drive and the relentless NEED to be more than we ever imagined we could be – well for us… we have to manufacture it.

 

And we do, Constantly. Where others can barely handle a shred of pain, any kind of failure, let down – is enough to make them falter and stumble and fall.

 

For us? Its just a warm up. It’s a teaser. A reminder that we are ALIVE. And have a desperate need to keep the burn going – just a little longer.

 

Why?

 

Because whatever drowns us… makes us want to fly.

 

That desperate moment, when the walls are caving in, and it is suffocating, each breath feels ragged and stolen, and you don’t really know if it will pass or if it will get tighter – THAT is the moment you feel more alive than ever.

 

When you are possibly moments from having it all fade away -that is when things become clearest.

 

Because that pain, that mental breakdown, the torture and the fear – all that is drowning you – is truly the reason you are living.

 

For the push. For the pain. For the progress.

 

 

It isn’t the failure that scares you, it’s the possibility of never feeling anything again.

 

That you might fall into step with the lemmings – wake up, work, watch some netflix and go to bed for the rest of your life until one day you fall asleep and don’t wake up.

 

Until one day there is nothing to drown you – you simply die of boredom.

 

That push – it is what drives you to continue. Everytime you are so close to the edge, that at any moment it could all fall apart, and maybe it even will, but in that moment you are so ALIVE, so VIBRANT, so SURE of your purpose.

 

So in flow and in the moment that nothing could feel harder and yet more natural and easy than anything else.

 

For you, for us – it is the dive into the deep, into the fear, into the unknown, that makes us light up inside. There is nothing scarier than fears unfaced. Than potential untouched.

 

And so when we start to feel stagnant? Bored?

 

We try so hard to manufacture some kind of drowing – so that we can be pushed to fly.

 

Call us drama queens, but it isn’t about the drama we create for others.

It is the ledge we push ourselves towards.

 

I KNOW you are meant for so much more. You are different. On the inside. Where the fear leads others, your desire to smash it is what shines through.

 

That’s why you are who you are. Why you push yourself beyond your comfort zones. Not when you feel brave, but EVERY. FUCKING. DAY.

 

Why you LOVE the grind, the exhaustion, the relentless push towards being even a PERCENT of all that you are truly meant for.

 

Where that failure and pain is a sign for most to retreat, try something else, take a break or just stop completely…

 

For you? It’s just the beginning. The pain you were secretly hoping for, the chance to prove that to yourself that you are different, special, and so much tougher than anything that life can throw at you.

 

Feel yourself falling? That’s just your sign that you can fly.

 

And when sometimes it doesn’t come naturally – because you are NOT a masochist – you attract love, and abundance and happiness – so when nothing suffocates you and you feel you have taken a few too many comfortable breaths?

 

Well then you dive in yourself. You push that bit harder. You bite of EVEN more than you can possibly chew.

 

And whilst most people will tell you to slow down, to not be stupid, to achieve BALANCE –

 

You know.

YOU KNOW.

Surer than you have ever been of ANYTHING

 

THIS is your balance. And no amount of chilling on the couch will fix this.

Only your passion. Your purpose.

 

And fully drowning yourself in it – THAT is the only way you will fly again.

 

 

 

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Step in to the Matrix – what it’s like to go down the rabbit hole

 

 

STEP INTO THE MATRIX – WHAT IT’S LIKE TO GO DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE

 

 

Have you ever felt like you were under water? Like you were watching the world go about it’s stuff and you are basically looking at it from above and thinking WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK???!!!

 

Ever felt like you identified with Neo in the Matrix? Spending your whole life, looking for something, you don’t really know WHAT, you can’t explain it, but this FEELING, this search that you can’t stop, for something…. More.

 

Something beyond the horizon. Beyond the steady job, superannuation, mortgage and 2.5kids… something…. MORE.

 

It’s like your whole life it was brewing, somewhere under the surface, you stared blankly at your career counsellor, and when they wondered why you couldn’t figure out what you wanted to do from their shiny brochure, you couldn’t figure out how they could expect you to select their cookie-cutter career???

 

It’s not that you didn’t do well at school. You’re smart. Quick. Sharp. You got it all – and more. You studied hard, you did what was required – but why did that not matter? Why did it all feel like such a waste?

 

Why did it feel like there was a whole other world being hidden from you?

 

Well only probably because it was!

 

It was almost cruel – the way they teased it to you. You got glimpses of celebrities, billionaires – all on TV, in the newspapers – always out of reach. Always untangible.

 

But what about others? Weren’t there others who loved their lives? Who changed others lives with their passion? Who stayed up late and got up early with PURPOSE, with PASSION, and who couldn’t care less about toeing the line and falling into place?

 

Who had wealth in all areas – financial, spiritual, psychological, love, friends, lifestyle, health… WHY was this not taught in school? Why were your only choices in a glossy Uni catalogue?

 

And WHY for fucks sake – WHY – was this the holy grail? What about this well trodden path was so amazing?

 

I fell for it – maybe you too. I trotted right off to Uni, surrounded by slightly superior lemmings. Bound by rules, laws, regulations – how to write, how to structure, how to BE.

 

It’s almost funny that leaving high school is meant to be the beginning of FREEDOM, of you becoming the kind of adult you always dreamt of. Too bad that Uni just churns you into a lemming even more than high school. At least at school you had a chance of a teacher caring and taking an interest in you – in Uni you are no special fucking snowflake – just a face in the mist, just another cog in the ever turning wheel.

 

WELCOME

 

So it is time – to step off. To take the pill. And fall down the  rabbit hole.

 

You gorgeous – you have spent long enough in this world. Long enough holding yourself back. Long enough falling into line and being scared to shake things up – you know – actually LIVE.

 

You have spent long enough in the Matrix.

 

It is time for you to step off the ledge – once and for all.

 

No looking back, no wondering where your safety net is (there isn’t one!) – and no second guessing.

 

You already know what’s behind you – and I daresay you can lay out your life step by step from where you are now.

 

Every day, week, month and year – until the end. Most people can do that. It’s simple – look at your last year and repeat.

 

But you want off this ride?

 

Do you want to step into the REAL world – where limits are boundless, as limitless as YOUR SOUL and you are bound by nothing and no one, here to create a life on your terms, live it on purpose, and create a lifestyle BY DESIGN and NOT BY DEFAULT.

 

Then welcome to the other side babe – this is where the light has been hiding. This is where all the elusive stuff is at – the crazy energy levels, where you barely need to sleep, where you look and feel as hot as you could ever imagine, where you get to show up every day and live the life you have always KNOWN is yours, but could never grasp in the Matrix.

 

WELCOME!

 

I have something INCREDIBLE coming for you – consider it YOUR Morpheus wake  up moment – I am going to offer you the pill (metaphorically of course!) to dive in and see the world – YOUR WORLD – in a whole new way.

 

Like opening your eyes for the first time, and seeing your TRUE capability (endless!) for the first time. And knowing that things will never be the same again. YOU will never be same again.

 

THIS is YOUR re-birth – no religion needed – just YOU and your Life Purpose!

 

 

Want to know how you can get involved? Comment “I am ready” and I will send you details as soon as THEY are ready!

 

 

My dad killed himself this year

 

MY DAD KILLED HIMSELF THIS YEAR

 

 

People will always be quick to tell you how to feel.

 

How to act, react, how you SHOULD handle things, what is best, what is logical, what is expected and what makes them comfortable.

 

When I first made a public announcement a few months ago about this I said that I didn’t yet know what I was processing and how it was all fitting into my head, but that once I did – I would write again.

 

About 6 months have passed now since my dad killed himself, and though there has been no shortage of difficult situations to deal with, I guess now it has come to a time when I have deeply realised something about myself, and also something that I feel is important to pay attention to in life in general.

 

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I don’t usually do disclaimers – I know that if you are reading this then you have probably read and/or listened to a lot of my content over the years, and therefore you are very aware that I speak my mind, I live my truth, and that I in no way expect anyone else to do or feel as I do as we are ALL entitled to our own path and choices in beliefs. Having said that – if you are new here, and believe that this topic is sensitive and triggering to you, let me be clear that I believe it is best you stop reading here. As always – it is your choice what you decide to do going forward.

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Let me start at the start. I found out about what happened late in the evening on a Wednesday. The next morning I woke up as normal, trained every client as normal, did my own workout as normal, said nothing to anyone but my closest friends, colleagues and family, and continued my day.

 

Immediately I felt apprehensive. For the first time in YEARS I began to worry what people would think. My family and friends were amazing – but I worried about those who didn’t know me intimately and how they would view me. Would they judge me for not taking time off “work”? Would they be horrified that the day after this news I was able to smile and laugh and love and appreciate life?

 

My ex-boss (and interestingly the last boss I will ever have, and also by far the best), was one of the first people I voiced this fear to. And he got it. 100%. He understood that I couldn’t “grieve” by falling apart. That I didn’t WANT to take time from my “work” because it was what brings me the most joy in the world. And that not a single fucking person was worthy of being in my life if they dared to judge me for CHOOSING to deal with this exactly in the way it felt right to me – especially when it was full of positivity and love.

 

I was very honest that I wasn’t a rock. For weeks and months I was a mess. Happy and blissful as always when “working”, in love and blissful with my husband…. and also suffering from horrible insomnia where I got by on 1 or 2 hours sleep for weeks, and random bouts of uncontrollable crying.

 

Oh – did I mention this happened 2 weeks before my 30th Birthday???

 

My husband had planned an amazing surprise getaway for me – I literally did not know where we were going for over a week until we got to the Airport! It was something he had spent months saving and planning – he is NOT the planner and organiser in the relationship, and it meant SO MUCH to me that he had done this all by himself to show me how special I am to him.

 

And my dad chose this 2 weeks before my birthday.

 

Which kind of leads me to the next point…. but let me make my first one.

 

A week after this happened I told clients, colleagues, everyone on my public page… and the outpouring of love and support was overwhelming. Not a SINGLE person told me I should have taken time off work. Should have let myself fall apart.

 

EVERY SINGLE person I spoke to told me what I already knew – that you need to process this in the way that is right for you.

 

And I was blown away  with gratitude and love – that THIS is the community I have built, that I have surrounded myself with, that every single person in my life GETS ME and KNOWS that whatever I do I will ALWAYS do right by my truth.

 

My clients were shocked – that I had chosen to not break step for a moment, but at the same time they got it – that is why they come to me.

And because it made sense to them that coming from someone who ENDLESSLY talks about CHOICE and the fact that everything in your life IS YOUR CHOICE, including your actions, people you surround yourself with and lifestyle.

 

Because they know I love what I do, it lights me up, and it makes me feel so energised to know I am improving someone’s life, that I am helping, challenging and shaping their future.

 

How could I EVER want a break from that? It would be like wanting a break from being yourself.

 

But I know not everyone is at the stage where they have yet to cultivate this kind of community and let go of everyone else who refuses to accept you as you are – so to YOU I give this advice –

 

Let go, let them all go. If someone kindly says that you have every right to feel horrible, take time off, fall apart etc – assume they mean the best – but also be perfectly clear about how YOU choose to handle this.

 

There is no right and wrong way – and if there is I highly doubt putting MORE positivity out into the world is the wrong way.

 

People will always want to lovingly tell you how to feel – but in ANY situation, regardless how complicated – that is STILL YOUR CHOICE.

 

It is still 100% completely undeniable fucking PERFECTLY YOUR CHOICE to decide how to deal with it. And like I said – for me taking away the things and people I love and treasure and appreciate beyond belief did NOT feel like the right way for me to deal with loss.

 

As for my second point? Well this is personal. VERY personal.

 

Let me put it as bluntly as I can. My dad made his choice – whatever my or anyone else’s opinion about it, well that’s just for that person to own and deal with.

 

And just as he made his choice – and just as I have been very aware of all my life – I can make ALL my choices – and I do.

 

Where he took something away, I chose to give. Where there was hurt, I chose to love. Where there was anger and blame, I chose to forgive and move on.

 

The emotions we push out onto others do not hurt them – unless they allow it to. It only hurts us, and every negative and spiteful energy we emit only comes back to us.

 

The hate you feel and try to hurt others with, only ever hurts you. And not just once, but it keeps coming back, a life lesson that demands to be learned by bringing more and more pain to you until you finally learn that YOU are the reason this pain is coming to you.

 

And THAT is how I knew that I was the reason this situation was filled with love and not hate for me. I was surrounded by family, friends, colleagues, clients, strangers – who all could not help but support and love me through this, because they all knew how much gratitude and love I had for them and for THIS being my life.

 

Your immediate life and those you are surrounded by give you a great lesson in how your choices have impacted your life.

 

I could not have imagined a better CHOICE to make at the time then to focus on exactly what and who I was so grateful for.

 

My final point – and as I write this it is now 2 months later, what is written immediately above was written and unfinished as I struggled to find an appropriate ending – I finally found the courage to say what I am about to say. And I say it because I need to for me, and because I need anyone out there who has gone through anything similar and who has felt this way and felt BAD because of it to know they are not alone.

 

My dad taught me many things – some good, and there is definitely a handful of good memories that I treasure. But for my entire life the lesson that I subconsciously took from him and the way he treated me, was that I am not worthy.

 

That I am wrong. Broken. Undeserving. Unwanted. Inadequate. Never good enough, no matter what I do or achieve.

 

That no matter what – regardless of how much success I attain, I will never be good enough, never be worthy, never be loved.

 

That I was born bad, that I am inherently a failure, and that I am unworthy of being loved and accepted just as I am.

 

The most painful part of this was not even that this is what he ingrained in me for my entire childhood – but that it was what he chose to repeat after death.

 

There was no saving grace – no peace to be found after his death. For even as he planned his suicide, he (and most likely others who had great influence on him) meticulously planned to make sure that after he was gone, he was able to hurt me further and remind me once again that I was not loved.

 

Not by my father.

 

And if my own father could not love me, how could I ever believe that I am worthy?

 

How could I not believe, as he believed of himself, and passed that belief onto me, that I am worthless, trash, not good enough for anyone to love, or even accept.

 

I know this may be hard to read, it certainly is hard to write.

 

Because it is the first time perhaps ever that I have let these true emotions out – this fear that I am at my core worthless.

 

But here is where it gets different.

 

My dad chose his ending – he chose a life of inflicting his pain on others, and to leave this mortal world inflicting as much pain as possible even after death. (again – 2 weeks before my 30th… I mean COME ON)

 

But I choose differently. I choose love. And I choose acceptance.

 

And I choose to ALLOW MYSELF to release the long held internal beliefs that I am not good enough, not worthy.

 

I choose to not hurt others because I was hurt. Rather – daily I choose to help others HEAL so that I in turn can heal.

 

I choose to trust, even though the man who should have been my greatest role model for a male figure in my life was one I should never have trusted.

 

Instead of pain, I choose healing. Instead of hate, I choose love.

 

And instead of death – I will ALWAYS choose life.

 

 

 

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