I will bend, but I will not break

 

I WILL BEND, BUT I WILL NOT BREAK!

 

 

I may look tattered, may look worn, may look like all my threads are coming undone –

 

but you will not break me!

 

You see I – and YOU – we aren’t made like the others.

 

We aren’t made to fall apart, to take a step back, to run away in the face of adversity.

 

We are a whole different breed. Born of years of learning to be TOUGH, to be INDEPENDENT, to DO THE MOTHER FUCKING WORK!

 

 

Which is not to say that we don’t also take the time to RECEIVE, to surrender and to allow everything we desire to just TURN up for us.

 

Of COURSE we do THAT!

But when all you are coming against are walls, blocks, little and BIG obstacles that are just SO DAMN SET on pushing you off path and into oblivion, into the mass’s, into *SHOCK HORROR* the LEMMINGS!

You rebel. You scream NO – in both your words and your actions.

 

You can’t ask me to stop, to wallow, to give up.

 

Any more than you could ask me to stop breathing and yet continue living. It is IDIOTIC, totally MORONIC and just NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.

 

No matter how desparate, how down, how beaten and down trodden you are – giving up is never an option.

 

Because you may bend, but you will not break.

 

With your vision, your purpose, your FUTURE set firmly in your sights, giving up on this and moving away because ALL THE SHIT HIT THE FAN is just NOT going to happen.

 

You are tough, not just mentally, but spiritually.

 

Because you understand that what sets you apart isn’t your strength of WILL, of RESOLVE, of GRIT and DETERMINATION.

 

I mean SURE – that stuff is cool right?

 

It’s the kind of thing you bragged about in school and everyone doted on you and the teachers loved your WORK ETHIC and just generally you were fucking AWESOME.

 

Ok. COOL. Great.

 

And???

I mean really – AND???? What the fuck did that stuff even matter when the thing that was really deep down could be broken???

 

And that thing? That INCREDIBLY thing that kept you going through it all when even the TOUGHEST, most mentally prepared, GIFTED students crumpled???

Well – it wasn’t your mind, it wasn’t your mental ability –

 

No – it was your SPIRIT baby.

 

Your very soul and purpose from which ALL your drive originates.

 

THAT SPIRIT – YOUR SPIRIT –

 

It could never be broken. And so the rest didn’t matter. You were tough. You were strong. Resilient. You bounced back. NOTHING COULD TOUCH YOU.

 

Not despite having a weak soul purpose – but BECAUSE of it.

 

You see any BANDAID mental tricks can be TORN DOWN.

 

I’ve seen it, I’ve done it, I’ve ORCHESTRATED it.

 

If you think that all it takes to succeed on a massive scale, to keep pushing yourself, to challenge and pick yourself up over and over and be the WINNER and LEADER that you KNOW you are born for –

 

If you think that all it takes is the mindset, the mental work – then you are going to be broken.

 

It may not happen quickly, but it will happen.

 

Because the only thing impervious to EVERYTHING in this human experience, is your SPIRITUAL BEING.

 

So you can try to break me, and I may bend, I may shift, I may adjust – BUT –

 

I will never break. Because at the core of it all is not anything MENTAL, anything WORDS CAN DEFINE (and you know how much I love words!) – it is spirit.

 

It is soul. It is purpose. It is that thing that resides so deep and completely as a part of me that I am never without it – no matter what happens. Take away all my support, all my physical and mental attributes –

 

I will walk by faith – and not by sight.

As it always has been – and always will be.

 

 

 

 

 

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You can take your judgement and SHOVE IT

 

YOU CAN TAKE YOUR JUDGEMENT – AND SHOVE IT!

 

 

One of the benefits of working in the fitness industry for so long is that there is never a shortage of reminder that we all start somewhere. No matter what genetic or otherwise advantages you may have – we all go through a learning curve that cannot be skipped, although there certainly are some shortcuts.

 

In my years I have seen the following scenario THOUSANDS of times –

 

-Girl joins gym because she wants to lose weight.

 

-Girl proceeds to spend hours on the cardio equipment working herself into a messy ball of sweat. Does some classes too.

 

-Girl does this for months – sometimes years.

 

-Girl eventually notices some of the slim and attractive girls over in the weights area – and she is also deathly bored of cardio, so decides to venture over.

 

-Girl proceeds to use some machine based and a few free weights at a very easy weight, going for 15 or more repetitions and never reaching anywhere near failure – because you know – scared to “bulk”

 

-Girl does this for a few more months. Maybe years.

 

-Again – realises she is not getting anywhere.

 

-Finally – spends a few hours googling about weight training and decided to start lifting heavier in which case often some sort of injury/postural issue starts coming up because there are problems with technique that aren’t being fixed.

 

-Girl stops. Takes time to recover from injury/issue.

 

-Comes back and starts back at point 1.

 

Now this can go round and round for years – I’ve seen it myself.

 

Decades even. And yes I’ve used the scenario of a girl – but really it works for both genders. Though males tend to get to the second half of the problem a lot faster as they realise they can’t grow muscle doing cardio – but then without guidance end up doing way too complicated stuff in a short space of time and injuring themselves.

 

Now this is the story that I would venture about 98% of the female “fat loss” wanting new members at a gym fall into. Does that seem high to you? It shouldn’t. Not when you hear the rest of the story.

 

You see up until now this may sound a little judgemental, but I beg to differ. See the judgement that I say needs to take a long walk off a short plank is the self righteous “why can’t you just do this faster” judgement that I see and hear around the place from those who have well and truly gotten too big for their boots.

 

They forget what it means NOT to know what they know now. They forget what it was like to not have ANY true information about fat loss except what the media tells you on TV and be frightened of dumb stuff like “bulking” in females.

 

They forget – basically, that everyone starts somewhere. Including the greatest physiques of our time – at some stage also had absolutely no idea what they were doing.

 

They did strange versions of what to “us” seem like basic exercises, they “wasted” months and years doing classes and cardio trying to lose weight rather than getting straight into the weights…

 

And they forget – that this learning curve is something we all go through.

 

Now I was “lucky” in a sense. When I ventured into a gym I did the above scenario – but because I was battling binge eating disorder coupled with exercise anorexia and after I had done daily cardio for HOURS and my brain could not fathom ANY MORE – I dared to think maybe there was something more interesting in this hell hole!

 

And so for weeks I watched from the comfort of the treadmill – and watched what the big guys in the weights area were doing. There were no females there at the time.

 

And then I got the courage to ask one of the trainers to write me a weights program. I took to it diligently, and soon wanted more. So on my own accord I started venturing more into the weights and with the support of the “big scary no brain muscle guys” (aka some of the kindest people you will ever meet!) I began my learning curve.

 

Mine was a little faster yes – but that comes down to my personality. I have always been curious and wanting to do what others aren’t – so being the only female daring to enter the “big boy” area was like a glowing neon sign for me.

 

Looking back – I wish I had gotten a trainer earlier, I would have saved myself some frustrating postural issues had I had someone looking over and keeping me informed on why some things are done the way they are. But hey, my learning curve, I’ll take it.

 

The point is no one, not me or otherwise, has a perfect linear line from the first time they join a gym to their dream body. There are detours. Time lapses. And total failures. But that IS the journey.

 

And while 98% go this route – it is truly when I come across someone from the 2% these days that the uselessness of judgement REALLY proves its point.

 

I’ve had a new client start with me recently, that for all purposes is DEFINITELY the 2%.

 

She had never joined a gym before. Her physique and experience come from her own aerobics done at home. She is genetically blessed with an amazing physique to work with, and one that she has obviously taken good care of.

 

She is DEFINITELY predispositioned to weight training – you can just SEE that her body willingly and easily takes to growing muscle.

 

Even so – she has a learning curve.

 

This predisposition is ONLY an ADVANTAGE BECAUSE:

She has me! HA!

 

Truly though. Without an experienced trainer, she would very likely have gone the traditional route and possibly done lots of metabolic and physique damage for a few years before she ventured away.

But she was lucky enough to come across me right at the beginning, get her the info that she needed straight away – and BAM – she is taking to weight training like a fat kid on cake.

 

Even so – she isn’t immune to silly newbie mistakes. She still forgets some techniques and does the kind of strange movements that some will snark across the gym at. She is still learning.

 

Very quickly mind you – but still learning.

 

Not only is her mind having to learn all these new techniques and strengths – but her body is physically and neurologically setting up new pathways to handle this workload.

Will she get faster results than others because of her genetics? YES.

 

Sorry. Deal with it.

 

Will they be SO much better that someone with less spectacular genetics who also committed, got proper support and skipped the usual yo-yo start would just not even be able to compete?

 

Well actually, no.

 

Cause you know what? Regardless where you start – what your genetics are, and what your therefore POTENTIAL is: is kind of bullshit anyway.

 

Had she been anyone else with her amazing genetics and NOT followed the path she has – she could have easily fallen into step with every other long winded and frustrating journey.

 

Her genetics wouldn’t have saved her from that.

 

And just cause you haven’t looked after your body until now does NOT mean that you are doomed. Your choices starting NOW is what determines your future.

 

Your past is done. Let it go. Make the choice MOVING FORWARD.

 

And so you over there with your smug look and your condescending head shake wondering “how can people be so dumb?”

 

I get it – I really do.

In my less than angelic (HA!) moments I have the same thoughts cross my mind, more from frustration at how HARD they are making it for themselves then anything else really – but truly –

 

I get it. Because I remember. That we all start somewhere.

 

And years and thousands of people later I KNOW without a shred of a doubt that the sooner someone can come into your life and create that shift in your mindset to knock you out of that yo-yo cardio cycle the sooner it all starts to change –

 

You can’t force anyone. Some are naturally more stubborn then others.

 

I’ve always been curious so when someone told me that cardio wasn’t doing me any favours for getting the body I want I immediately wanted to know more.

 

But others are stubborn. You can tell them, but they won’t be receptive. They aren’t ready to hear it.

 

And that’s ok. Yes it’s annoying as hell knowing what you know and seeing it come true month after month and year after year –

 

But you know what?

 

You can take that judgement and shove it. Be grateful that you got there, and have the ability to enlighten others now. They may not always follow all that you say, but I promise you they remember.

 

And when they are truly ready – they really WILL remember.

 

 

 

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Learning to LOVE the PAIN

 

 

Learning to LOVE the PAIN

 

 

ANA BROOKS

 

 

It’s not just me is it?

 

Addicted to the burn, to the pain, to the internal turmoil –

 

Of what you ask?

 

 

Of it all. Of your life. Of this total need to surrender, to dive in, whether you have breath in your lungs or not –

You just jump anyway, take the leap, with no real idea where you will fall, or if anything could ever catch you.

 

This isn’t real anyway – this life you see around you – the people sitting in cafes discussing their office jobs and office politics, the reality TV show they are watching, the sport they are following…

 

In other words – other peoples lives they are following.

 

 

None of this is real, none of this even fucking matters.

 

 

It never has to you has it?

 

Since the first time you were able to form thoughts, emotions, you just KNEW that you didn’t fit in.

 

You were different. You didn’t give a flying fuck about the current hot tv series, or what so and so’s boyfriend is up to, or what baby crib is the cutest right now…

 

You felt so alone – where were your people?

 

The ones who get deep – who don’t ask you how your day is and “what’s up?” but who ask you –

 

What do you dream of? What is your deepest fear? If you were to die today what would you regret, what would you wish you had done?

 

No, I couldn’t care less who stayed together on the latest reality show…

 

 

But tell me – who are you? What makes your soul alive? WHY THE FUCK are you even alive????

 

 

When was the last time you felt pain so deep and so intense that you cried with joy?

 

 

That it made you burn and cry and scream and FEEL LIKE YOU ARE FUCKING FLYING?

 

 

Are you addicted? The the grind? To the push? Do you chase the fall?

 

And then slowly, surely – you found yourself.

 

And then others like you.

 

Us.

 

Who can’t sit still. Who die everyday and then push themselves through the trenches to feel alive again.

 

 

Who walk through fire not because they are scared to – but because they fucking have to – they have to feel the burn, to know they are heading in the right direction.

 

Cause growth comes from hardship right? From pushing yourself further? From moving out of your comfort zone?

 

So then why the fuck would you sit in this moment, and not even enjoy it?

 

Worse than not pushing to new levels of all that this infinite human form can be – is that you aren’t even in this moment.

 

You drown – in the tv show, in food, in drugs, in your drug of choice… in the thing you use to hide your fears.

 

 

That maybe this is all too much – that maybe you are too fucking powerful for even yourself.

 

 

You are here. Right now. In the right place. With those who get you. Who never say die. Who are addicted to IT ALL – the pain, the burn, the intensity.

 

 

 

 

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Step in to the Matrix – what it’s like to go down the rabbit hole

 

 

STEP INTO THE MATRIX – WHAT IT’S LIKE TO GO DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE

 

 

Have you ever felt like you were under water? Like you were watching the world go about it’s stuff and you are basically looking at it from above and thinking WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK???!!!

 

Ever felt like you identified with Neo in the Matrix? Spending your whole life, looking for something, you don’t really know WHAT, you can’t explain it, but this FEELING, this search that you can’t stop, for something…. More.

 

Something beyond the horizon. Beyond the steady job, superannuation, mortgage and 2.5kids… something…. MORE.

 

It’s like your whole life it was brewing, somewhere under the surface, you stared blankly at your career counsellor, and when they wondered why you couldn’t figure out what you wanted to do from their shiny brochure, you couldn’t figure out how they could expect you to select their cookie-cutter career???

 

It’s not that you didn’t do well at school. You’re smart. Quick. Sharp. You got it all – and more. You studied hard, you did what was required – but why did that not matter? Why did it all feel like such a waste?

 

Why did it feel like there was a whole other world being hidden from you?

 

Well only probably because it was!

 

It was almost cruel – the way they teased it to you. You got glimpses of celebrities, billionaires – all on TV, in the newspapers – always out of reach. Always untangible.

 

But what about others? Weren’t there others who loved their lives? Who changed others lives with their passion? Who stayed up late and got up early with PURPOSE, with PASSION, and who couldn’t care less about toeing the line and falling into place?

 

Who had wealth in all areas – financial, spiritual, psychological, love, friends, lifestyle, health… WHY was this not taught in school? Why were your only choices in a glossy Uni catalogue?

 

And WHY for fucks sake – WHY – was this the holy grail? What about this well trodden path was so amazing?

 

I fell for it – maybe you too. I trotted right off to Uni, surrounded by slightly superior lemmings. Bound by rules, laws, regulations – how to write, how to structure, how to BE.

 

It’s almost funny that leaving high school is meant to be the beginning of FREEDOM, of you becoming the kind of adult you always dreamt of. Too bad that Uni just churns you into a lemming even more than high school. At least at school you had a chance of a teacher caring and taking an interest in you – in Uni you are no special fucking snowflake – just a face in the mist, just another cog in the ever turning wheel.

 

WELCOME

 

So it is time – to step off. To take the pill. And fall down the  rabbit hole.

 

You gorgeous – you have spent long enough in this world. Long enough holding yourself back. Long enough falling into line and being scared to shake things up – you know – actually LIVE.

 

You have spent long enough in the Matrix.

 

It is time for you to step off the ledge – once and for all.

 

No looking back, no wondering where your safety net is (there isn’t one!) – and no second guessing.

 

You already know what’s behind you – and I daresay you can lay out your life step by step from where you are now.

 

Every day, week, month and year – until the end. Most people can do that. It’s simple – look at your last year and repeat.

 

But you want off this ride?

 

Do you want to step into the REAL world – where limits are boundless, as limitless as YOUR SOUL and you are bound by nothing and no one, here to create a life on your terms, live it on purpose, and create a lifestyle BY DESIGN and NOT BY DEFAULT.

 

Then welcome to the other side babe – this is where the light has been hiding. This is where all the elusive stuff is at – the crazy energy levels, where you barely need to sleep, where you look and feel as hot as you could ever imagine, where you get to show up every day and live the life you have always KNOWN is yours, but could never grasp in the Matrix.

 

WELCOME!

 

I have something INCREDIBLE coming for you – consider it YOUR Morpheus wake  up moment – I am going to offer you the pill (metaphorically of course!) to dive in and see the world – YOUR WORLD – in a whole new way.

 

Like opening your eyes for the first time, and seeing your TRUE capability (endless!) for the first time. And knowing that things will never be the same again. YOU will never be same again.

 

THIS is YOUR re-birth – no religion needed – just YOU and your Life Purpose!

 

 

Want to know how you can get involved? Comment “I am ready” and I will send you details as soon as THEY are ready!

 

 

My dad killed himself this year

 

MY DAD KILLED HIMSELF THIS YEAR

 

 

People will always be quick to tell you how to feel.

 

How to act, react, how you SHOULD handle things, what is best, what is logical, what is expected and what makes them comfortable.

 

When I first made a public announcement a few months ago about this I said that I didn’t yet know what I was processing and how it was all fitting into my head, but that once I did – I would write again.

 

About 6 months have passed now since my dad killed himself, and though there has been no shortage of difficult situations to deal with, I guess now it has come to a time when I have deeply realised something about myself, and also something that I feel is important to pay attention to in life in general.

 

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I don’t usually do disclaimers – I know that if you are reading this then you have probably read and/or listened to a lot of my content over the years, and therefore you are very aware that I speak my mind, I live my truth, and that I in no way expect anyone else to do or feel as I do as we are ALL entitled to our own path and choices in beliefs. Having said that – if you are new here, and believe that this topic is sensitive and triggering to you, let me be clear that I believe it is best you stop reading here. As always – it is your choice what you decide to do going forward.

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Let me start at the start. I found out about what happened late in the evening on a Wednesday. The next morning I woke up as normal, trained every client as normal, did my own workout as normal, said nothing to anyone but my closest friends, colleagues and family, and continued my day.

 

Immediately I felt apprehensive. For the first time in YEARS I began to worry what people would think. My family and friends were amazing – but I worried about those who didn’t know me intimately and how they would view me. Would they judge me for not taking time off “work”? Would they be horrified that the day after this news I was able to smile and laugh and love and appreciate life?

 

My ex-boss (and interestingly the last boss I will ever have, and also by far the best), was one of the first people I voiced this fear to. And he got it. 100%. He understood that I couldn’t “grieve” by falling apart. That I didn’t WANT to take time from my “work” because it was what brings me the most joy in the world. And that not a single fucking person was worthy of being in my life if they dared to judge me for CHOOSING to deal with this exactly in the way it felt right to me – especially when it was full of positivity and love.

 

I was very honest that I wasn’t a rock. For weeks and months I was a mess. Happy and blissful as always when “working”, in love and blissful with my husband…. and also suffering from horrible insomnia where I got by on 1 or 2 hours sleep for weeks, and random bouts of uncontrollable crying.

 

Oh – did I mention this happened 2 weeks before my 30th Birthday???

 

My husband had planned an amazing surprise getaway for me – I literally did not know where we were going for over a week until we got to the Airport! It was something he had spent months saving and planning – he is NOT the planner and organiser in the relationship, and it meant SO MUCH to me that he had done this all by himself to show me how special I am to him.

 

And my dad chose this 2 weeks before my birthday.

 

Which kind of leads me to the next point…. but let me make my first one.

 

A week after this happened I told clients, colleagues, everyone on my public page… and the outpouring of love and support was overwhelming. Not a SINGLE person told me I should have taken time off work. Should have let myself fall apart.

 

EVERY SINGLE person I spoke to told me what I already knew – that you need to process this in the way that is right for you.

 

And I was blown away  with gratitude and love – that THIS is the community I have built, that I have surrounded myself with, that every single person in my life GETS ME and KNOWS that whatever I do I will ALWAYS do right by my truth.

 

My clients were shocked – that I had chosen to not break step for a moment, but at the same time they got it – that is why they come to me.

And because it made sense to them that coming from someone who ENDLESSLY talks about CHOICE and the fact that everything in your life IS YOUR CHOICE, including your actions, people you surround yourself with and lifestyle.

 

Because they know I love what I do, it lights me up, and it makes me feel so energised to know I am improving someone’s life, that I am helping, challenging and shaping their future.

 

How could I EVER want a break from that? It would be like wanting a break from being yourself.

 

But I know not everyone is at the stage where they have yet to cultivate this kind of community and let go of everyone else who refuses to accept you as you are – so to YOU I give this advice –

 

Let go, let them all go. If someone kindly says that you have every right to feel horrible, take time off, fall apart etc – assume they mean the best – but also be perfectly clear about how YOU choose to handle this.

 

There is no right and wrong way – and if there is I highly doubt putting MORE positivity out into the world is the wrong way.

 

People will always want to lovingly tell you how to feel – but in ANY situation, regardless how complicated – that is STILL YOUR CHOICE.

 

It is still 100% completely undeniable fucking PERFECTLY YOUR CHOICE to decide how to deal with it. And like I said – for me taking away the things and people I love and treasure and appreciate beyond belief did NOT feel like the right way for me to deal with loss.

 

As for my second point? Well this is personal. VERY personal.

 

Let me put it as bluntly as I can. My dad made his choice – whatever my or anyone else’s opinion about it, well that’s just for that person to own and deal with.

 

And just as he made his choice – and just as I have been very aware of all my life – I can make ALL my choices – and I do.

 

Where he took something away, I chose to give. Where there was hurt, I chose to love. Where there was anger and blame, I chose to forgive and move on.

 

The emotions we push out onto others do not hurt them – unless they allow it to. It only hurts us, and every negative and spiteful energy we emit only comes back to us.

 

The hate you feel and try to hurt others with, only ever hurts you. And not just once, but it keeps coming back, a life lesson that demands to be learned by bringing more and more pain to you until you finally learn that YOU are the reason this pain is coming to you.

 

And THAT is how I knew that I was the reason this situation was filled with love and not hate for me. I was surrounded by family, friends, colleagues, clients, strangers – who all could not help but support and love me through this, because they all knew how much gratitude and love I had for them and for THIS being my life.

 

Your immediate life and those you are surrounded by give you a great lesson in how your choices have impacted your life.

 

I could not have imagined a better CHOICE to make at the time then to focus on exactly what and who I was so grateful for.

 

My final point – and as I write this it is now 2 months later, what is written immediately above was written and unfinished as I struggled to find an appropriate ending – I finally found the courage to say what I am about to say. And I say it because I need to for me, and because I need anyone out there who has gone through anything similar and who has felt this way and felt BAD because of it to know they are not alone.

 

My dad taught me many things – some good, and there is definitely a handful of good memories that I treasure. But for my entire life the lesson that I subconsciously took from him and the way he treated me, was that I am not worthy.

 

That I am wrong. Broken. Undeserving. Unwanted. Inadequate. Never good enough, no matter what I do or achieve.

 

That no matter what – regardless of how much success I attain, I will never be good enough, never be worthy, never be loved.

 

That I was born bad, that I am inherently a failure, and that I am unworthy of being loved and accepted just as I am.

 

The most painful part of this was not even that this is what he ingrained in me for my entire childhood – but that it was what he chose to repeat after death.

 

There was no saving grace – no peace to be found after his death. For even as he planned his suicide, he (and most likely others who had great influence on him) meticulously planned to make sure that after he was gone, he was able to hurt me further and remind me once again that I was not loved.

 

Not by my father.

 

And if my own father could not love me, how could I ever believe that I am worthy?

 

How could I not believe, as he believed of himself, and passed that belief onto me, that I am worthless, trash, not good enough for anyone to love, or even accept.

 

I know this may be hard to read, it certainly is hard to write.

 

Because it is the first time perhaps ever that I have let these true emotions out – this fear that I am at my core worthless.

 

But here is where it gets different.

 

My dad chose his ending – he chose a life of inflicting his pain on others, and to leave this mortal world inflicting as much pain as possible even after death. (again – 2 weeks before my 30th… I mean COME ON)

 

But I choose differently. I choose love. And I choose acceptance.

 

And I choose to ALLOW MYSELF to release the long held internal beliefs that I am not good enough, not worthy.

 

I choose to not hurt others because I was hurt. Rather – daily I choose to help others HEAL so that I in turn can heal.

 

I choose to trust, even though the man who should have been my greatest role model for a male figure in my life was one I should never have trusted.

 

Instead of pain, I choose healing. Instead of hate, I choose love.

 

And instead of death – I will ALWAYS choose life.

 

 

 

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When you doubt yourself

EVEN LEADERS CAN FALL

sheneededhero

Reality check time – I am not always “on”

 
I know this can seem strange especially if you have ever met me in person, but the reason that I am so frickin bubbly is 2 things:
 

1. I CHOOSE to be

2. I am doing what I love to do – living my purpose, my passion, my very core.

 
The second is a given – but I often forget that most people don’t get this. Because “most” people don’t do what they love, what they are called to do, what makes them wake up early and stay up late at night – by choice.
 
But the most important part is the CHOICE part.
 

I am a constant contradiction of normality.

 
I love people – but I am also an innate loner.
I thrive from being around those that inspire and push me to become better – but I also require a crazy amount of alone time.
I love speaking – but I also cannot speak unless inspired to do so.
I need to be surrounded, and I need to be left alone.
 
And in this abnormality – I know I am not alone.
 
I have gone through so many phases in my life – being absolutely sure I was an extrovert, to then questioning it and believing that I had it wrong all along and I was an introvert…. to second guessing that all over again.
 
And it wasn’t until very recently that I decided I’m not defined by a fucking word.
 
At least not any word given to me by anyone else.
 
Just because I hate being in social situations surrounded by small talk and small minds DOESN’T make me an introvert.
 
And just because I can be the life of the party when surrounded by those that inspire, challenge and grow me DOESN’T make me an extrovert.
 
Instead – I am just me. I thrive in situations and surrounded by people who are as unsatisfied with the status quo as I am. Who see the potential for more. Who understand that there is always more than enough to go around, and that we can all have it all if we just have the guts to step up and take it.
 
And this just me? Well I wilt. Like a flower slowly cowering when you take away my sun – take away the deep, meaningful conversations, take away the chance to grow, take away my opportunity for MORE and I wilt, I become claustrophobic, and I literally feel the air being sucked out of my lungs with anxiety.
 
Not because I am an introvert- but because I am too focused on taking advantage of every chance I have to connect, to grow, to expand, that the idea that this minute, this hour, this night could be wasted on nothing and I would have nothing to show for it, no new friendship made, no mutual goal achieved, THIS suffocates me.
 
So going back to choice….
 
I choose to get up, show up, and step the fuck up each and every day whether I feel like it or not. Whether the world feels like it is aligning for me today or not.
 
A few nights ago I spent well over 2 hours doing something that should have taken 5 minutes or less.
 
The next night I was pushed even further with technology deciding NOT to work with me, spending more hours doing something that shouldn’t even have been an issue.
 
I was tired. I was frustrated. I had to be up in a matter of hours to start my day again, and I was angry and over it and ready for a bottle of wine and tub of ice cream.
 

Despite this – I continued. Because you know what?

 
It’s what I do.
 
I tell my clients this all the time – and I know many times they probably think “oh it’s all well and good for you” – so here it is.
 
No it is not always well and good for me.
 
At least not if you want to look at it “honestly and realistically” – whatever the hell that means!
 
Being realistic has never got me any further in life, it’s just another limitation. So you wonder why these people who seem to have it all always look like they have it all?
 

Let me be the one to break this illusion once and for all and tell you what no one else will.

 

THEY DON’T.

 
They still stumble, they still fall, they still have times of weakness, they still battle problems in life – their health, money, relationships, they are not magically immune!
 
And I don’t even class myself as one of “those” people yet anyway!
 
I feel like I look around at everything around me these days, all the mentors/figures I follow, watch their livestreams, read their posts, and I can’t help to think – were they ever truly where I am now?
 
There is no one that I can come across who says what it is really like when IT IS a struggle.
 
It is all past tense – all the magical stories of how hard IT WAS for them, all the stuff THEY OVERCAME, all the money they DIDN’T HAVE, and all the mental battles they had to push through.
 
But it’s all in the past. They are rich now, they have “made it”.
 
And it almost feels like sometimes they forget what it was like to be in that place (if many of them even were, I guess if you don’t know the person personally you just make the choice you want about what to believe)
 
And it isn’t their fault. Because I know how hard it is – when you ARE in it, when it is a struggle, when you HAVEN’T made it, you feel like they just won’t get it, and that there is no one else out there like you.
 

So you don’t share that. You hide it, you hide yourself. Because you might get judged, because you might lose clients, because you have been told SO many times that you only get what you focus on so don’t you dare for a moment focus on the fact that you haven’t MADE IT yet.

 
I get it. But what about this?
 
What about a moment – just a moment, once in a while, to take a deep breath and let it out – and own your journey, the idea that it isn’t always going to be easy, that you won’t make it overnight, and that that is ok.
 
To remind others who now look at the “higher” mentors and wonder if they will ever get there, and if it really was as bad as they say it was in the day – how about a moment to remind yourself that YOU ARE THERE.
 
And a mental note that when you are there – to look back once in a while and remember what it was. What TRUE doubt looked like – not from a “will I reach my new incredible income goal this year” but from a “will I be able to pay my rent/mortgage this month” frame of doubt.
 

Not to put you in a bad state mind you – I know you can’t stay there and focus on what you don’t want.

 
But as humans we grow and we learn from pleasure AND pain – and sometimes a reminder of what we don’t want can push us even further into alignment with what we do want and why we do what we do.
 

So I’m asking – if you relate to this, if you feel this, if you are WILLING to admit that you too have doubts, though of course you don’t indulge them, because just like me you suck it up and carry on because it is YOUR CHOICE how your life turns out, and you shape that with your very thoughts.

 

IF you feel me – leave a comment. Let’s not be alone in this – let’s be a new generation of leaders who lead not just from success but from growth, a reminder that we all have lessons to learn constantly, and to never forget out roots – to always be grateful for the love and prosperity we attract, because we REMEMBER the pain.

 

 

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Step up or Move Along

 

STEP UP OR MOVE ALONG

 

diaryandjournals

 

What makes you different?

What burns within you that separates you from the other 99%?

It’s something you’ve always known, always felt, even before you knew what it was, how to think it, how to say it, how to express it –

Even before ALL OF THAT

 

You FELT it

 

You KNOW. Deeper and surer of this than anything you have ever been sure of.

That you are here to GO BIG. Make an impact – on hundreds, thousands, millions.

To make your difference. Leave your mark. Leave a legacy that stretches further than your family, your friends, your wealth.

 

No, you seek and DEMAND a legacy that is unlike any other.

 

So when it feels impossible, when you feel lost, like you are alone, still fighting this fight.

Night after night, morning after morning, day after day, you grind, you push, you sit on the edge of falling at any moment.

A moment away from falling, always fighting tooth and nail to get through.

 

As everyone around you “grows up”, “settles down” and “gets responsible” you worry about being left behind.

And yet – you can’t worry that much.

Because you know the path of the 99% – it is all around you.

 

And you know that is NOT your path. Not your destiny. NOT how your story ends.

 

You can’t tune into the reality TV, can’t make yourself care about who married who in the latest show, can’t even make yourself turn on the TV because you know the shit you will see.

Whilst they laugh at you, pity you, always pushing, always demanding more, and ask why you can’t relax. Why you can’t stop. Why you can’t just settle the fuck down and be a real grown up.

 

And do what you think?

 

Come home and turn on the brainless box? Get some takeaway? Sit and give your brain and your life power and your creativity over to a hunk of technology designed to STOP you creating?

Stop you expanding. Stop you helping. Stop you from your destiny.

They won’t get it. They can’t.

Just like you can’t get them, every fibre of your being fights it, refuses it,

 

And even in the worst.

In the lowest.

In the moments you catch yourself thinking IS THIS ALL WORTH IT the little voice in your head can’t be ignored:

 

HELL FUCK YES

Because the alternative? May as well be death for you.

 

May as well be a swift death rather than the dragged out slow death of the 99%, watching days, weeks, months and years go by like they mean nothing….

The most confusing thing you have ever come across – an entire GENERATION of people that are HAPPY when a day flyes by so fast that you don’t realise it – NOT because they were passionate and living their dream, but because its ONE LESS DAY before the weekend!

It astounds you that someone could be happy their life is passing them by?

EXCITED for only 2 days out of 7?????!!!!!

 

The numbing of the senses through technology, and the slow death of your life purpose diminishing.

So it’s come to this.

 

Step the FUCK UP or MOVE ALONG

 

For how long? How low can you go? How much can you handle?

Well that is the true question of the 1%.

99% can’t go for long without running back to Plan B.

That’s why there is 99% of them.

 

You KNOW you are made for this. Going to succeed – on a HUGE scale that you can’t even fathom yet from your broke bank account and second hand furniture.

But you know it’s there. You just haven’t got it yet.

So keep going.

 

There is no other way for you anyway is there?

 

 

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Why is fat/thin shaming not ok but fitness shaming is fine?

 

 

Why is fat/thin shaming not ok but fitness shaming is fine?

 

I’m not perfect. I have fat-shamed, thin-shamed, though never to anyone’s face and sometimes only in my own head. And if you claim that you have not then you are either a much better human being than I or a liar. Either way is fine by me. I am just me, imperfect and honest and full of opinions just like everyone else.

 

But the thing is that publicly this is not ok. If you call someone fat, you are a horrible, compassionateless loser. If you thin-shame you are clearly ignorant and/or jealous. And to some degree I can agree with this. Even if the shaming is not of the derogatory kind but just hidden by concern, it is still not ok.

 

Quiet simply, it is someone’s own choice what they do or not do with their bodies/health/exercise/diet and you are an ar$e if you judge someone for it.

 

Fair enough.

 

Except that the rebound effect of this has made the polar opposite – prioritisation of fitness and health – now prone to shaming. Fitness Shaming.

 

I heard it CONSTANTLY as a PT, and I hear it now. Everyone hanging out at Maccas trolling through Instagram feeds thinks it is their position to comment on how someone is “too muscly” “that chick looks like a guy” or the ever constant “I feel sorry for you never being able to let loose” or “I would rather enjoy my life than have a perfect body” (like its an either/or????)

 

Fitness shaming is rife in society. “omg you go to the gym like everyday, whyyy???” “oh you must not have a life” “its not good to be so obsessed with how you look”

 

Oh right – and I shouldn’t judge you that that’s the third day in a row you’re having processed junk for dinner when cooking a basic meal would take less time and sitting on the couch watching 3 hours of TV a night is somehow a completely acceptable version of “having a life” now?

 

You know what though – I don’t care.  I don’t care what you eat, how you spend your time or what you value. I eat food to nourish and heal my body, spend my time on improving my physical and spiritual being and value how I look and feel within myself. If you have different values to me, that doesn’t bother me one bit.

But there is a huge influx of people who DO care that someone is choosing to prioritise their health, wellbeing and YES THEIR PHYSICAL BODY above um…. alcohol and food induced social life, quality time on the couch and brain space for trolling fit people’s insta feeds.

 

Ok. All sarcasm aside.

 

Why are we doing this? Why are we attacking others choices in how they treat their bodies and choices they make, and most importantly – what we value vs what someone else values?

 

Someone choosing to spend night after night at home with junk food and dvd’s does not impact the choices I can make in life. Just as me choosing to get up at 4.30am to get my workout in and guzzle my 4 litres plus of water a day does not impact on anyone else’s choices for how to live their life.

 

So why the hate? Why the shame? Why the need to voice so loudly how you think someone’s physique is “too thin” “too muscly” ” too chunky” or whatever???

 

It is exactly the same as the person who posts “fat” on someone’s picture. It’s not ok, and it is just saddening to see how many people out there are fuelled by their desire to put others down.

I have my opinions – on what looks good, doesn’t look good, what is sexy – and this does NOT give me the right to voice my OPINION of what I like onto what someone else has chosen. That is THEIR choice.

 

Fat, thin, fit – somewhere and ANYWHERE in between, that is THEIR business and THEIR choice, not mine. My concern need only be with myself.

 

Now let’s be clear – this isn’t to say I don’t call people on their shit. Hell, I even need to call myself on my own shit sometimes, though my hubby usually gets to it first 🙂

I am guilty of saying “oh but….insert any genuine sounding excuse….and that’s why I’m eating crap tonight” “MHM…. except that’s what you said the last three nights… what’s REALLY going on?”

 

My husband knows when I’m not me, and when I’m needing a helping hand out of a little mental hole to get back to myself. And he is the kindest and sweetest kick up the arse I’ve ever received.

 

But the reason he and I can call me on this crap? Because we know it is not in line with my values and goals and that I am not happy in that moment. Not because “you’re too fat”. That’s opinion, and it’s not needed.

 

I fought my way through Binge Eating for years, and opinions were everywhere. The magazines told me I was huge. My friends told me I was fine. My head told me a different thing every other hour. None of these sources really CARED about me, just about voicing their opinion. And it wasn’t even their fault – I kept asking for these opinions!

 

But sometimes people don’t. Sometimes people really ARE just happy being who they choose to be, and your opinion is not a reflection of them, but one of YOU.

 

So let’s make a change shall we?

 

Next time you feel the need to voice what you think of someone’s choices, ask yourself why?

 

Why does it matter if they go to gym everyday?

Why does it matter if they don’t go out and eat crap with you each weekend?

Why does it matter if they dress nicer, take more time grooming and put a higher value on their physical appearance?

 

 

Because the truth is it shouldn’t. If it does bother you, ask yourself why – not ask them to change.

 

I’ve seen it time and again – partners afraid of losing their loved one because they will become too hot, too confident and too different to have anything in common with anymore.

Friends who are afraid of their friend suddenly getting all the attention and them feeling less worthy around them.

And COMPLETE STRANGERS convincing themselves that all fit beautiful people must be selfish, shallow jerks because hey – it justifies why you don’t want to be fit yourself right?

 

Let’s turn the questions on ourselves and why bringing someone down lifts you up – THAT’S where the real issue lies.

 

And let’s start SUPPORTING each other in our choices, whatever they may be.

 

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P.S. The Binge Eating Break-Through is now available – as well as limited spots to work with me personally!

Feeling fat vs Overeating – The chicken or the egg?

 

Feeling fat vs Overeating – The chicken or the egg?

 

 chicken

 

The age old issue – what comes first? The chicken or the egg? Feeling fat and bad about yourself? Or over eating and bingeing?

 

I mean really – are you even really sure? Do you over eat because you feel bad about yourself, or do you feel bad about yourself because your overeat?

 

It’s a conundrum, and I daresay that for the majority it probably does feel like a loop without a start or end. And for the longest time whilst I was battling binge eating, it certainly felt like that to me. I felt worthless, like I had no discipline, like no matter what I did I couldn’t stick to it, like I was destined to be like this forever, and so I ate as a way to make myself feel better, just for a little while.

 

And then I would over eat, binge, lose myself in the sweet ecstasy of nothingness and yet fullness of the binge, the way the food would momentarily fill that hurt and emptiness inside me – and then I would feel horrible about myself. Horrible physically because I had consumed so much junk that I felt sick. And horrible emotionally because I had once again proved that I was worthless, not disciplined and would be destined to this forever.

 

So where did it start? And where would it end? Just WHAT exactly WAS the cause? What was the chicken, and what was the egg?

 

And more importantly – did it even matter?

At the time of course it felt like it didn’t, it was just one big loopy mess without any sense.

But from the other side, from years of health, vitality and CONFIDENCE in my body that I could never have imagine back then, I see it very differently. I see it very clearly that there was ALWAYS a start, and ALWAYS a very obvious cause and effect.

 

It was ALWAYS the feelings, the thoughts, the beliefs about who I was and what I was capable of (you know – worthless and not much) that was the beginning, and it was ALWAYS the over eating that was the effect, the PHYSICAL symptoms of my mental state.

Even when I had over eaten, it wasn’t that I was in such a horrible physical state that I beat myself up. It was because I continued to tell myself that “see, you just did it again, you really are hopeless” that fed right into the next binge.

 

And how did I come to this realisation? What part of my healing process made this so darn clear?

 

 

It was when I realised that for as long as I continued to feed this addiction, I saw myself as fat. Not like a girl with a little excess body tissue. No – I saw myself as pervasively FAT. Like to my core. That fatness was not a thing – it was simply who I was. My personality. My BEING. And therefore no matter what I did that would not change. If I lost 5kg – well then I was still fat. If 10kg dropped from my body, then I was 10kg lighter on the scale but I was still FAT.

 

In my mind and in my soul, I believed it. I knew where I fit in compared to my friends, who I was “fatter” than and “skinnier” than. I had a clear idea in my mind of what other people saw based on what I had constructed in my mind. So it didn’t matter if someone said I was looking slim, my mind immediately re-constructed that to make sense and hear “slimmer than normal, but still fat”.

In my mind I would never be that girl – with the lean limbs, shapely muscles that you don’t need to flex to see the outline of, abs that peak out just a little most days.

 

My vision of who I was and what I looked like was SO clear and sharp in my mind that I forced myself to continue with my habits. It wouldn’t make sense if I didn’t ruin a couple of days of nutritious eating with a binge – that might change the outward image of who I am in my mind.

 

So the change? For me it was a gradual one because I didn’t realise the importance of it until it had happened. Whilst I healed, trying every single thing I could read about, think of or dream of, some things worked amazingly and others fell horribly short. But as I did them all, I didn’t even notice the shift in how I viewed myself.

Until one day, I remember waking up, getting dressed and kind of just strangely realising that my tummy was really flat. My arms were really shaped. As I dressed I realised my clothes were pretty loose.

 

And for some reason that day, it hit me – I was slim. It wasn’t overnight, it was weeks and months of hard work, and the changes had been happening all along, but it didn’t hit me till then.

 

And suddenly my vision shifted – I could literally FEEL it in my mind and soul. I LOOKED at myself, as if honestly for the first time in years, and saw someone else. And it was shocking, this vision of what others must have been seeing for years but I could not. The YEARS I tormented myself when I should have been enjoying myself.

 

From that moment the chicken and the egg were very different. The way I approached my eating, my exercise, my daily habits, changed RAPIDLY. And the results came even more rapidly.

 

Because in my mind I was slim. So I ate, I exercised, I treated my body like I loved it. Like I was this healthy slim person.

 

Yeah I know – it’s not all about how you look blah blah blah. And thats fine. But I’m not here to judge – if you’re anything like me then the really honest and bare truth is that a huge part of you just wants to feel as though you look incredible. And I am so sick of this obsession at the moment with telling people that that is wrong. Nothing is wrong that is RIGHT FOR YOU.

Who are you hurting by pushing for your goals? Yeah, no one.

 

I wish I had realised this shift years ago. It shocks me how much quicker my recovery could have been if I had realised that my view of myself was the reason I kept doing what I did. But no matter – I did the journey the way I did, and because of it I can now help YOU do it much faster, easier and happier than you could imagine.

 

Because that slim girl in your group? It might already be you, except that you KNOW you’re fat.

 

Or it could be you very shortly, if it wasn’t for how sure you are that you’re fat.

 

My signature program The Binge Eating Break-Through is like nothing else – it isn’t a short e-book or long winded story of MY battle. You can read about that in my blogs if you want, but this is about YOU and YOUR way out and upwards. The information page is currently being updated, and the program will be available very soon, but there is a way for your to get the information RIGHT NOW. For the first time I am taking on just 3 ladies to work with me personally as they do this program.

 

This is NOT your cookie-cutter approach and it is NOT your cheap option promising you a 6-pack and champagne showers in 6 weeks or less. You get ME, working PERSONALLY WITH YOU, to make sure you get the exact help and support you need to make this stick. Cause lets face it – if you knew you could stop the bingeing and over eating, you could do ANY bikini program and rock it right?

 

You get one-on-one phone coaching with me, as well as unlimited email support. We nut out what you need, tweak what needs tweaking, and most importantly you are NOT alone in this, I am with you the whole way -someone who you know has BEEN THERE and totally gets how this feels. Your experience WILL be different, but I can promise you nothing you say could surprise me.

 

This is like nothing else because I don’t expect you to work on this for a decade like I did. We get you clear, focused and SUPPORTED so that you know you can do this. But like I said, because of the time and energy involved I am only opening this up to 3 people to start with me in mid-Feb. If you want to find out more and see if we are a good fit to work together, CLICK HERE and we will organise a time for a chat very soon.

 

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You’re not fat

You’re not fat.

 

 howdoyou

 

Ah…the simplest of sentences. Three words. 11 letters. Even an apostrophe in there to show just how simple it is.

And yet, so deeply DEEPLY entrenched in meaning that anyone who has ever wanted to lose weight and heard these words has unfortunately learned to inherently stop hearing them.

 

Because you know, that you aren’t really fat. I mean not in the “oh my gosh would you look at her?” kind of way.

 

When you think of why you aren’t satisfied with your body it’s much more complex then that. It’s not 5kg’s or 10kg’s or even 20. It’s the way your clothes fit. Those days when things just clump and show the rolls and those days (god bless them) when the don’t. The way every shopping trip can leave you so stressed and down because once again you had to buy the bigger size. And the way you just wish you could throw on anything you like and know it would fit nicely. The envy you feel when you see another girls effortlessly slender arms whilst you worry about wether this bra will pinch in the wrong spots and make your tuck shop arms obvious.

 

It’s not about being fat at all. It’s about so much more than that.

 

So to be excited about your progress, or want to vent your non-progress, and have someone say “yeah but you’re not fat” is at best meaningless and helping condition you to in fact see yourself as fat, and at worst a slap in the face of your inner struggle.

 

Either way, they become the three words you most hate to hear, and form part of the reason that you retreat into yourself. Keeping the struggle to yourself. The sabotage and the binges – to yourself. Because you’re not fat – so apparently your inner struggle is therefore meaningless. Selfish. Stupid. And you should just realise you’re not fat and shut up about it.

 

You’re not fat is the reason you are. The reason you FEEL so worthless, the reason food is the drug you turn to. Because you can’t hear those words again, they break you. The way they simplify and demean everything that you’re going through.

 

The real truth is you’re not fat. You have fat. You also have finernails but you’re not fingernails.

 

So hey, turns out they’re right. But those simple little words don’t actually mean what they claim to mean. When they say “you’re not fat” what they’re actually saying is “you’re attention seeking”.

 

 So how to respond? How to deal with this? Well for starters there is  good chance you’re not disclosing your struggle with losing weight to just anyone, so it’s time to cull the list of people whom you will say this to – primarily because it will make your time, efforts and emotions proceed with greater effect.

 

Once you have decided on who’s opinion and input you REALLY value in regards to this – it’s time to take a stand, and this doesn’t need to be painful, drawn out or difficult.

 

The next time the topic comes up and you hear those magical words come out – simply answer “That’s true, I guess this is really more about how I feel about the way I look”.

From there, it’s a whole different ball game. If they come back with something like “Well you’re not fat so just stop worrying about it” then I’m going to be really honest – you’re probably barking up the wrong tree if you’re hoping this will be the person that can empathise and support you.

If however they nod and ask for clarification – ie “what do you mean?” or “how do you feel?” then you’re onto a winner.

 

This opens up the opportunity to talk through your thoughts without the judgement, and a chance to get this person to see behind the surface of what is going on.

 

 

Notice how I have not suggested any recommendations for dealing with this phrase when it is said to you from someone whom you don’t want to delve deeper? That’s because this phrase will never come from someone if you haven’t instigated it in some way. If you don’t mention this topic at all, then said person will have no reason to say those words.

 

Listen up – YOU INVITE those words when you choose to speak about how you’re feeling about your body. So if you’re truly sick of those words – the power to stop them lies in you.

 

Take the time to let those that matter in so that you can build a supportive network that you know will understand when you say “I feel so fat”, and choose to no longer engage in superficial conversations with those you wouldn’t trust with the truth.

 

As always – your fate is in YOUR hands.

 

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