Confession – the weight came back…

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Confession – the weight came back…

 

 

Complete terror. That’s what I feel as I slowly begin to type the words before you.

Shame, guilt, and total apprehension. I’ve always been honest with you, but never to this extent. Never about how I am completely, utterly, IMPERFECT.

 

In my program The Binge Eating Break-Through, an entire section is dedicated to dealing with re-lapse, both large and small. It wasn’t until now though that I was able to understand to a whole new level why this part is so crucial in the process of breaking free of binge eating.

 

And at 9kg heavier than I was on my wedding day 10 months ago… this feels like that moment.

 

And even heavier then this weight gain, is the overwhelming feeling that I have held back. Told you so much about my journey and what I went through, but stopped short of the parts that I tried to hide even from myself.

Like the doubt. The fear. The worry about what if… constantly what if.

The imperfection is like that itchy part on the bottom of your foot. You want to ignore it, you know it’s going to take a lot of effort to get to it, and you just want it to go away. But the harder you try to forget about it, the more intense it gets. The more this fear eats you up.

 

The truth is I am still, and probably will continue to have to learn and re-learn that I am worthy. It was a belief so ingrained in me for so long that those triggers are still there, and come out of the woodwork when I’m not paying attention.

I can 100% tell you that the weekend following our wedding was the greatest weekend of my life. I felt more confident, strong, and like MYSELF than I ever had in my life. I knew exactly what I wanted, knew it was going to happen, and for the first time EVER felt like the person looking back at me in the mirror was my true self.

Losing the weight before my wedding was a story in itself (read the blog HERE), but what happened after is equal parts fascinating and soul-destroying.

 

I gained it back.

 

Over the course of the next 10 months, through a mix of lack-lustre motivation at gym, inconsistent eating habits that included takeaway becoming a much more regular occurence, and a 6 week honeymoon stint in Europe where NO exercise took place… it re-appeared.

 

Now I guess the great news here is this – at no part in this time did I binge.

Not once.

There was excessive food, sure, especially in places like Italy where my husband and I made our way through the country like pasta was going extinct… but there was no binge.

No secret gorges.

 

The problem was that I had unconsciously replaced and confused two very similar feelings of worth.

I finally felt worthy of love – unconditional love that from the moment I met Matt I knew would be mine forever.

 

And I had forgotten about MY worth. What I deserved FROM MYSELF. What I stood for and wanted, and what I was worthy of achieving/living.

 

Without realising it, my mind rejected this new me.

 

And the worst thing about going to battle with yourself is that the enemy knows ALL your strengths and weaknesses.

 

I knew exactly how to sabotage myself.

 

And so sabotage I did.

 

Because it didn’t feel real at the time – to be this person I had always dreamed of in my mind. To look stunning in that bikini on our honeymoon weekend. To turn heads. To have that confidence.

So I back tracked, just a little at first, and then more and more until it all came back.

 

And now as I write this I am terrified. Even though I HAVE TO KNOW that I am not alone, that others have gone through this, knowing that I am blatantly displaying my imperfection is so frightening.

Because it makes you feel crazy, alone, and like there is something VERY wrong with you.

But maybe… just maybe, this is what it is all about.

 

Maybe this is WHY I HAVE TO tell you this – because without it I’m only one half of the person who you can relate to. Like an amazing trainer or coach who turned their life around JUST ONCE and then never looked back – that person makes you feel inferior.

 

Like why do I still have struggles?

Why can they deal with it and never have any body image doubt ever again?

Why do I still gain some/all the weight back?

 

So I guess I’m debunking that myth right here. There is no such thing as “happily ever after”

For however long you are alive, you will always face new challenges, and some you will blitz straaight through whilst others will cause you to stumble, fall back, lose yourself a little – all so that you can find yourself again – even stronger, more experienced than ever before.

 

Anyone who claims perfection – you know that typical “before and after” type genre, where you have the horrible, down on life type photo next to the shiny, happy after – it is just crap.

 

It doesn’t show you the during. Or the AFTER the after.

And if you think being overweight/turning to food as comfort is bad – you have no idea until you have the AFTER PHOTO IN YOUR HAND and you can see the AFTER AFTER staring you in the mirror.

What does this mean for me? It means I have now possibly done the craziest thing I could ever have done. I wrote an entire blog about myself. And I put it out there.

 

There is no big summary lesson here – YET

 

There is simply a realisation that full disclosure is my only option – because anything less is just like me posting those before and after photos and waiting for you to feel worthless when you start comparing yourself.

 

It is crap – and I am here to BUILD your body image from the inside out, not categorically destroy it with superificial surface talk and motivation.

 

Let me be clear – I am still happy to own that my goal IS to return to that smoking hot body I had 10 months ago, I have never swayed from admitting that this is my goal, after admitting that “health and fitness” was just not cutting it for me. But I have a feeling there may be more to it than that this time around – but I ‘ll keep you posted.

The reality is that you will ALWAYS have constantly changing goals – life does that. The new mum has goals to get her fitness and flat tummy back after having her bub. The person recovering from hospital just wants to be able to walk around the block again. Whatever we go through, our needs and wants will fluctuate.

 

What SHOULD NOT change is your body image. Your respect and love for yourself and your body. Your feeling of worth and love regardless where you are at.

 

Wanna know what I always need to remind myself? That self hate is a terrible motivator for bettering yourself. Self love on the other hand – well….

 

Ana sign off

 

 

 

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