My dad killed himself this year

 

MY DAD KILLED HIMSELF THIS YEAR

 

 

People will always be quick to tell you how to feel.

 

How to act, react, how you SHOULD handle things, what is best, what is logical, what is expected and what makes them comfortable.

 

When I first made a public announcement a few months ago about this I said that I didn’t yet know what I was processing and how it was all fitting into my head, but that once I did – I would write again.

 

About 6 months have passed now since my dad killed himself, and though there has been no shortage of difficult situations to deal with, I guess now it has come to a time when I have deeply realised something about myself, and also something that I feel is important to pay attention to in life in general.

 

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I don’t usually do disclaimers – I know that if you are reading this then you have probably read and/or listened to a lot of my content over the years, and therefore you are very aware that I speak my mind, I live my truth, and that I in no way expect anyone else to do or feel as I do as we are ALL entitled to our own path and choices in beliefs. Having said that – if you are new here, and believe that this topic is sensitive and triggering to you, let me be clear that I believe it is best you stop reading here. As always – it is your choice what you decide to do going forward.

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Let me start at the start. I found out about what happened late in the evening on a Wednesday. The next morning I woke up as normal, trained every client as normal, did my own workout as normal, said nothing to anyone but my closest friends, colleagues and family, and continued my day.

 

Immediately I felt apprehensive. For the first time in YEARS I began to worry what people would think. My family and friends were amazing – but I worried about those who didn’t know me intimately and how they would view me. Would they judge me for not taking time off “work”? Would they be horrified that the day after this news I was able to smile and laugh and love and appreciate life?

 

My ex-boss (and interestingly the last boss I will ever have, and also by far the best), was one of the first people I voiced this fear to. And he got it. 100%. He understood that I couldn’t “grieve” by falling apart. That I didn’t WANT to take time from my “work” because it was what brings me the most joy in the world. And that not a single fucking person was worthy of being in my life if they dared to judge me for CHOOSING to deal with this exactly in the way it felt right to me – especially when it was full of positivity and love.

 

I was very honest that I wasn’t a rock. For weeks and months I was a mess. Happy and blissful as always when “working”, in love and blissful with my husband…. and also suffering from horrible insomnia where I got by on 1 or 2 hours sleep for weeks, and random bouts of uncontrollable crying.

 

Oh – did I mention this happened 2 weeks before my 30th Birthday???

 

My husband had planned an amazing surprise getaway for me – I literally did not know where we were going for over a week until we got to the Airport! It was something he had spent months saving and planning – he is NOT the planner and organiser in the relationship, and it meant SO MUCH to me that he had done this all by himself to show me how special I am to him.

 

And my dad chose this 2 weeks before my birthday.

 

Which kind of leads me to the next point…. but let me make my first one.

 

A week after this happened I told clients, colleagues, everyone on my public page… and the outpouring of love and support was overwhelming. Not a SINGLE person told me I should have taken time off work. Should have let myself fall apart.

 

EVERY SINGLE person I spoke to told me what I already knew – that you need to process this in the way that is right for you.

 

And I was blown away  with gratitude and love – that THIS is the community I have built, that I have surrounded myself with, that every single person in my life GETS ME and KNOWS that whatever I do I will ALWAYS do right by my truth.

 

My clients were shocked – that I had chosen to not break step for a moment, but at the same time they got it – that is why they come to me.

And because it made sense to them that coming from someone who ENDLESSLY talks about CHOICE and the fact that everything in your life IS YOUR CHOICE, including your actions, people you surround yourself with and lifestyle.

 

Because they know I love what I do, it lights me up, and it makes me feel so energised to know I am improving someone’s life, that I am helping, challenging and shaping their future.

 

How could I EVER want a break from that? It would be like wanting a break from being yourself.

 

But I know not everyone is at the stage where they have yet to cultivate this kind of community and let go of everyone else who refuses to accept you as you are – so to YOU I give this advice –

 

Let go, let them all go. If someone kindly says that you have every right to feel horrible, take time off, fall apart etc – assume they mean the best – but also be perfectly clear about how YOU choose to handle this.

 

There is no right and wrong way – and if there is I highly doubt putting MORE positivity out into the world is the wrong way.

 

People will always want to lovingly tell you how to feel – but in ANY situation, regardless how complicated – that is STILL YOUR CHOICE.

 

It is still 100% completely undeniable fucking PERFECTLY YOUR CHOICE to decide how to deal with it. And like I said – for me taking away the things and people I love and treasure and appreciate beyond belief did NOT feel like the right way for me to deal with loss.

 

As for my second point? Well this is personal. VERY personal.

 

Let me put it as bluntly as I can. My dad made his choice – whatever my or anyone else’s opinion about it, well that’s just for that person to own and deal with.

 

And just as he made his choice – and just as I have been very aware of all my life – I can make ALL my choices – and I do.

 

Where he took something away, I chose to give. Where there was hurt, I chose to love. Where there was anger and blame, I chose to forgive and move on.

 

The emotions we push out onto others do not hurt them – unless they allow it to. It only hurts us, and every negative and spiteful energy we emit only comes back to us.

 

The hate you feel and try to hurt others with, only ever hurts you. And not just once, but it keeps coming back, a life lesson that demands to be learned by bringing more and more pain to you until you finally learn that YOU are the reason this pain is coming to you.

 

And THAT is how I knew that I was the reason this situation was filled with love and not hate for me. I was surrounded by family, friends, colleagues, clients, strangers – who all could not help but support and love me through this, because they all knew how much gratitude and love I had for them and for THIS being my life.

 

Your immediate life and those you are surrounded by give you a great lesson in how your choices have impacted your life.

 

I could not have imagined a better CHOICE to make at the time then to focus on exactly what and who I was so grateful for.

 

My final point – and as I write this it is now 2 months later, what is written immediately above was written and unfinished as I struggled to find an appropriate ending – I finally found the courage to say what I am about to say. And I say it because I need to for me, and because I need anyone out there who has gone through anything similar and who has felt this way and felt BAD because of it to know they are not alone.

 

My dad taught me many things – some good, and there is definitely a handful of good memories that I treasure. But for my entire life the lesson that I subconsciously took from him and the way he treated me, was that I am not worthy.

 

That I am wrong. Broken. Undeserving. Unwanted. Inadequate. Never good enough, no matter what I do or achieve.

 

That no matter what – regardless of how much success I attain, I will never be good enough, never be worthy, never be loved.

 

That I was born bad, that I am inherently a failure, and that I am unworthy of being loved and accepted just as I am.

 

The most painful part of this was not even that this is what he ingrained in me for my entire childhood – but that it was what he chose to repeat after death.

 

There was no saving grace – no peace to be found after his death. For even as he planned his suicide, he (and most likely others who had great influence on him) meticulously planned to make sure that after he was gone, he was able to hurt me further and remind me once again that I was not loved.

 

Not by my father.

 

And if my own father could not love me, how could I ever believe that I am worthy?

 

How could I not believe, as he believed of himself, and passed that belief onto me, that I am worthless, trash, not good enough for anyone to love, or even accept.

 

I know this may be hard to read, it certainly is hard to write.

 

Because it is the first time perhaps ever that I have let these true emotions out – this fear that I am at my core worthless.

 

But here is where it gets different.

 

My dad chose his ending – he chose a life of inflicting his pain on others, and to leave this mortal world inflicting as much pain as possible even after death. (again – 2 weeks before my 30th… I mean COME ON)

 

But I choose differently. I choose love. And I choose acceptance.

 

And I choose to ALLOW MYSELF to release the long held internal beliefs that I am not good enough, not worthy.

 

I choose to not hurt others because I was hurt. Rather – daily I choose to help others HEAL so that I in turn can heal.

 

I choose to trust, even though the man who should have been my greatest role model for a male figure in my life was one I should never have trusted.

 

Instead of pain, I choose healing. Instead of hate, I choose love.

 

And instead of death – I will ALWAYS choose life.

 

 

 

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