Top 10 ways to ensure your life is crap permanently!

 

 

 

(Disclaimer: Please be sure to read the below in a deeply sarcastic tone for maximum engagement!)

 

Isn’t it just crap? You try a few things, give it a go once or twice – and it doesn’t work out. I mean why would you bother trying again, you would just get the same crap result.

 

Let’s be clear – it is just you.

 

 

No one else has ever had any hardships or obstacles that they had to overcome. That chick with the hot fiancé and job that takes her all around the world – well she was just born with a silver spoon in her mouth and everything handed to her. OBVIOUSLY.

 

All those happy people, they are just faking it – nobody is happy. I mean sure, they have it better than you but that’s just “luck”, hard work has nothing to do with it, You should know – you’ve tried to get rich at least what – two times now?

 

So yeah – it’s crap. The universe IS out to get you. And the last thing you would want is to take any responsibility for your own life and end up with nothing to whinge about.

 

So fear not oh whingy one – I am here to ensure nothing ever gets better for you – and I’ve even laid out the 10 simple steps to keep things just as sucky as they are. Wooo!!!

 

 

1. Do NOT under any circumstance allow yourself to listen to anyone else’s made up success stories. You should probably turn off the TV cause the sight of liars like Oprah who have totally completely NEVER EVER known what it’s like to struggle (cough cough) will just annoy you further.

Instead be sure to surround yourself with other people who always have it tough. Make sure you listen intently as they explain exactly why it will never get better.

 

 

2. A really great game that will also help truly hone your “poor me” story is to play “who has it with anyone willing. Do it as often as possible – your friends, partner, colleagues, the dog. The more you do it the better you get, and after all it’s all about winning that you have it worse right?

Be sure to cover as many topics as possible, not just what immediately comes to mind.

Did your coffee taste a bit bland this morning? Pretty crappy.

 

Haven’t got any niggling aches or pains to complain about yet? Make them up – the more you do it sooner or later they will become real, promise.

 

Commit to the crap story.

 

 

 3. Body language is key. To make your inside story a reality on the outside you need to get your body congruent with how crappy it is.

No point putting on your make up, give it a miss.

I wouldn’t bother buying a beautiful fragrance or flattering clothing – it might give people the image that you value yourself.

Posture is where you can really make a difference – don’t be afraid to slouch, droop and shuffle along like you don’t exist.

 

The less you are noticed the less crap people can give you, everyone knows that. Be sure to follow all your stories with heavy sighing and further shoulder drooping.

Oh – shake hands very limply. A strong handshake could indicate you have confidence.

 

 

 4. Cut out all vegetables, fruit and fresh food. Toss the gym membership while you’re at it. Everyone knows exercise fuels endorphins, and no one needs those self righteous happy little shits floating around not ruining the day!

 

The less nourishing nutrients you give yourself the crappier your body will feel, disease will flourish and then JOY – you will finally honestly have some ailments to add to your who has it worse game!

 

WINNING!

 

So what should you eat? Processed is best, the more ingredients that you can barely pronounce the better, and each snack should include sugar – you want to feel as crap as possible ALL THE TIME

 

 

 

 5. Learn how to turn EVERY situation into a negative one. Someone gives you a compliment that your new hair colour looks great? Don’t thank them, just sigh heavily and comment that that’s the first and only time you will be able to afford to colour your hair this year.

Your partner wants to take you out for dinner tonight? Don’t let a single course go by without complaining about the service or the meal and be sure to remind them that this now means you can’t get your hair coloured again this year.

It doesn’t really matter what the situation – the key here is to commit to making it a negative regardless. There is nothing that you can’t ruin if you just set your mind to it – believing your own crap is crucial!

 

 

 

 6. Always turn every situation into one about you. This is a great way to lose friends and alienate everyone, thus adding more things to your growing list of ammunition for “who has it worse” (that’s assuming you have anyone left at this point who will actually listen to your crap ….).

Now this requires serious persistence – its not just about making the situation about yourself, you also need to make it crappy, and this takes some skill. Here are some common situations and some ready-made comment for you to use to swiftly turn the situation into all about you and your crappy life.

 

Friend: I’m engaged!

You: Oh yeah….cool. I was so excited when I first got engaged, but then you get into the wedding planning and now kids and it just goes downhill, weddings are the worst.

Friend: *awkward silence*

 

SUCCESS!

 

Awkward silence means you win, you have successfully made it depressing and all about you. Here’s another one to help you out:

 

Sister: I can’t believe it! I was consistent and I’ve lost 6kgs!

You: yeah you always did have better genetics, I can never do that because I have a slower metabolism and I just don’t have all the time you have.

Sister: “!!!!!!!!”

 

Also a success – anger or silence is a good sign you have treated the situation well.

 

 

 7. Don’t be a woman of your word or follow through on what you say – which is why there is only going to be 7 points in this blog so you really get what it feels like to be disappointed.

 

If you have agreed to be your friends bridesmaid make sure you just whinge about how you can never find anyone, be late to all her carefully timed appointments and complain about the dress she has picked out constantly.

 

Letting people down is one of the best ways to maintain a sucky life, because then no one will want you and your crap around anymore. The end result is you will have your awesome crappy self, and any other chronic whingers to be your friends. And really – that’s just a constant game of who has it worse isn’t it? AWESOME!

 

 

Now if you have carefully followed the above steps and continue to do so, I guarantee you your life will always be crap, you will never run out of things to complain about and you will be surrounded by the most useless bunch of people you can imagine. Money-Back guarantee!!

 

If on the other hand you think maybe this life isn’t for you after all – well then it’s time to shut up, stop whinging, get your shit together and get on with it.

 

We all have it tough sometimes, and yes some people were born with silver spoons in their mouths, but complaining about it isn’t going to make your situation any better now is it?

 

Crap or awesome, how you live your life is totally you call, your responsibility, your choice.

 

 

Which is it gonna be???

 

 

 

 

P.S. If you’re REALLY ready to step up, stop the complaining and take control of your life like never before – then it’s time to demand success and nothing less from yourself. Find out more about how I can help HERE 

 

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