My Love Story – Part 1

My Love Story – Part 1

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Love is a powerful drug. It makes us do crazy, sometimes unthinkable things. It causes us immense pain and unrelenting joy – and that can be all at the same time!

 

Despite the millions of women just as I was declaring that “it’s not that important”, I know that they, like me, are honestly just dying to feel that kind of connection. The problem is the fear of not getting it – of finding yet another dud. Another broken heart.

 

My history with love isn’t spectacular.

Until early 2011 I really faced every situation with an underlying need to be loved, accepted, needed and basically for someone to make me feel that I am ENOUGH.

 

Knowing what I know now I see EXACTLY how I was creating the kind of dramatic and unfulfilling relationships I was finding, but back then it all just seemed incredibly unfair.

 

I’m wise enough to know now, that what I wanted from a relationship was truly what I needed from myself. Acceptance that I am ok, just as I am – no explanations needed.

 

I never believed I was worthy enough, pretty enough, or smart enough to deserve that amazing guy. You know the one – the gorgeous, tall dark and handsome, kind, loving and basically perfect guy.

 

So my track record of over-achieving was all I had to draw them in. Straight from my schooling years as a “must do it all” only child, I jumped straight into everything at uni – two uni degrees whilst working part-time and attaining my 1st Dan Black Belt and competing nationally? Done.

 

But finding a fulfilling relationship where I could truly be myself? All quirks and weirdness and possibly unloveable bits? No chance.

 

Even I couldn’t love those parts of me at that point.

 

So I attracted exactly what I believed – that no matter what and how much I do – I AM JUST NOT ENOUGH.

 

There were better choices and worse choices – definitely. Some that were blatantly a bad idea and some that were kind of hidden in a “well this is comfortable so maybe this is what happiness is” kind of way.

 

But deep down – I knew it wasn’t.

 

And even as I moved from one insanely dramatic relationship onto another – I never allowed myself to truly let go.

 

I had relationships where I was so deeply obsessed with the other person that I couldn’t think straight, couldn’t breathe and couldn’t move on. I TRAPPED MYSELF in this cycle because rather than being aware of the cycle of pain and getting out I convinced myself that this was actually incredible love and continued to solidify the belief that I didn’t deserve better.

 

I always had to be a little in control – at least of the way I was portrayed. Even as my heart ached, I could never let anyone see how much it hurt. I always had to be the unbelievably strong one, who could just power through anything, and always put on a brave face.

 

My 5 month trip to Europe changed me in a way I’ll never forget.

 

Having called myself independent and strong for so long – I truly had no concept of the words until I found myself in tricky situations in a country where English is not spoken widely. I left behind two shaky and destructive relationships that wouldn’t die –

 

YES I ran away.

There is no point hiding it, I was so deeply lost in emotion and had been for years that I knew there was no way I could get myself out on my own. The only hope I had was to run – all the way to another continent. The funny thing is – it worked.

 

When you travel, time moves very differently. Whilst those back home continue functioning at the normal pace, your world slows down and almost pauses. One week away can feel like a month, and a couple of months can feel like you have been away years. Those old habits, doubts and weaknesses heal at a much faster rate.

 

For the first time – I truly began to see and believe that I am strong, that this wasn’t just a facade.

 

But that wasn’t the only thing changing. My view on what is possible started to shift also – I found myself walking the streets of Paris contemplating how hard it would actually be to just pack up and move here, or sitting on the edge of the river overlooking the parliament house in Budapest and just wondering how different everything could be if I just made one big decision and changed it all?

 

And realising that no matter what – I could make it all happen. It didn’t matter how bad things got, how hard it was – I could always just pack up and move on and begin anew. I could actually DO THAT.

 

Even scarier was contemplating giving up EVERYTHING I had ever said about myself to others, the persona I portrayed – how would they react if I suddenly did a 180 and flipped it all upside down?

You see I was NEVER the marriage girl.

 

I believe almost everyone who knew me in school learned never to speak about marriage to me unless you wanted a lecture about “just a piece of paper” etc etc etc. And don’t even mention kids – that was just never going to happen – I had dreams and goals you know ???!!!

 

Sure I had some valid points, 50% of marriages do end in divorce so I had a point when I said “it just doesn’t mean much” – but really I was just trying to live up to this persona I had built for myself as strong and untouchable. Funny how I got exactly what I wanted?

 

So I kept up this charade for years – because it felt great to be told that I am so strong, so independent – it felt incredible. I didn’t even entertain the thought of marriage or kids – after all my parents had divorced so the piece of paper didn’t mean much.

 

And despite all of this there was always a little part of me wondering WHY no one ever wanted to really commit to me? (I know – the DAH of this is NOT lost on me now)

 

So there were ups and downs. I got to experience the most shocking kind of pain of losing someone who you are absolutely obsessed with (in that way that only a young 20 something year old can!), but what it ultimately came down to wasn’t learning to achieve balance and not lose yourself in another person – it was actually the opposite – to ALLOW yourself to trust another person so deeply that you feel SAFE in losing yourself in them.

 

At the age of 25 I moved states to live with the guy I loved. It was an incredible learning curve for me in so many ways, and the ending of that relationship was the beginning of my true love story.

 

Look out for Part 2 of my love story coming soon – where I talk about exactly what I did and how I finally came to not only love myself – but to make it so powerful that my soul mate found me!

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