My Love Story – Part 2

My Love Story – Part 2

 

 

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You can’t know what you truly want until you know what you don’t want.

 

I had no idea of the power of this until it led me into the arms of my soul mate.

 

In Part 1 I told you about my early years – going from one dramatic relationship to another and constantly searching for true love whilst shooting myself in the foot along the way with my beliefs and actions. I was a walking mis-match, the universe had NO idea what I wanted, and honestly neither did I ( if you missed Part 1 CLICK HERE to read it now)

 

So we left off with my move cross country with the guy I loved (let’s call him Sam). We had an incredible story – having met for the first time whilst we were both traveling through Europe and we hit it off. It was a random occurrence, and as we continued to travel together we grew closer. Eventually we both headed back home to Oz to our different home states and soon enough had decided to give this thing a real go.

 

Doing a little long distance, then a short stint in one state, eventually I agreed to move north. It didn’t matter where we had traveled, what crazy things we had experienced, we always just bonded even more over it – it was one huge adventure!

Until it stopped.

 

Melbourne is my hometown – I was 6 when my parents and I traveled over from Poland to settle here. I had never lived anywhere else, and though I complained of the traffic and weather, it was home.

 

Still, I was still only starting to believe that I was worthy of having everything that I want, so little old “strong and independent” Ana reared up and agreed to uproot everything and move away. I was tough – I could handle it, and it was for love!

 

For some time, it was fine. I have always loved change, so the new scenery and challenges excited me. I thrived in my PT business and enjoyed my 4 x yearly visits to Melbourne to see everyone.

 

It was fine.

Until one day when it wasn’t.

 

I’m not sure how it started, and I couldn’t tell you when, all I know is I remember driving to work one day and getting this crystal clear thought –

 

“What if I just kept driving to Melbourne right now and never came back?”

 

It hit me like a ton of bricks.

That is NOT a normal thing to think.

 

And suddenly it all came crashing down. The things I had ignored, pushed down – they were suddenly glaringly obvious.

 

I had started binge eating again – most days of the week.

I was missing my friends, dreaming of the city again (I was in a town about the size of Geelong but way more isolated and further from a main city), and longing for that connection with someone who was just – well – the one.

 

Sam was amazing. To this day I still believe he is one of the kindest, funnest and most down to earth people I have ever met.

 

He was my best mate, we never fought, we were just so comfortable. So stable.

But it was the moment when I realised how badly I wanted him to find and be with someone who liked the same things as him and could be his true partner in life that changed everything.

 

You see all the things that had made us amazing at the beginning – the adventure of backpacking through Europe together, moving from one beach town to another – all that change and excitement had stopped when we settled in our own place – far away from my city life.

 

I didn’t want to be by the beach anymore, the holiday felt over and I wanted back to my concrete jungle. I didn’t want to spend my weekends 4wheel driving or going to the local pub – I wanted fancy restaurants and the Crown Casino complex (if you haven’t visited Melbourne – this is a MUST!) and generally people and action and fashion (not that you can call me fashionable by any means!)

 

But the biggest problem wasn’t even where I was and what I was doing – it was what the relationship had become for me.

 

I no longer saw him as mine. I saw him as a friend – a friend who I so badly wanted to be happy and everyday I could see more clearly that I couldn’t be that person.

We were into completely different things, had completely different ideas of an ideal future. And hard as I tried – the small town life by the beach wasn’t for me.

 

And slowly but surely I also realised – settling for an amazing guy who just isn’t the ONE for me also wasn’t for me.

 

 

He deserved better.

 

And finally I could admit it – I deserved better.

 

As with anything in my decisions, once my mind was made up it was a hop, skip and a week to a breakup. I moved out, gave my clients notice, and three months later I was landing back in Melbourne – all dressed up on a Saturday night and slightly tipsy from the cheeky mile-high wine.

 

I was welcomed home by my friends, and it could not have felt better to be back in Melbourne.

 

The break up was tough. We still loved each other, but the moment I found myself wishing that he would find his perfect girl I knew it was beyond done. I know this with complete certainty now because the thought of my fiancé with anyone else makes me reach for a bucket – but the thought of Sam finding love with someone who is so much better suited to him made me smile with hope.

 

The back story to finding true love is long – but the story of meeting Matt is very short.

 

In my decision to leave, I had set into place a chain of actions for the universe.

I had made a bold statement that I would not settle- and for days on end I repeated loudly to myself – “It’s my soul mate or nothing universe”, I would die happily alone rather than make do with a good enough relationship.

 

I set my standards REALLY high.

I had a LONG list in my head, that I thought about constantly, of all the traits my soul mate needed.

 

There was physical characteristics, hobbies, lifestyle choices, attitude, goals, his mannerisms and his taste in movies! I was ADAMANT I was not backing down.

 

Sure – anytime you make such demands the universe will send you a test – you know, to check that you REALLY mean it.

 

So for the first month that I was back in Melbourne it sent some guys my way that were, well, ok. But I would have been making do, trying to excuse things etc. Instead of chasing it I let them go and repeated to the universe- it’s him or nothing. And I will know when I meet him so don’t bother trying to trick me.

HA

My resolve was unshakeable. The universe had tried to test if I was bluffing and I hadn’t budged. I was all set to be a spinster forever if it didn’t deliver what I wanted.

 

So what happened? Well naturally I got what I demanded 🙂

 

About a month and half of being home, I met Matt (through an online dating site btw – I think this needs to be a whole new blog to completely dispel any issues people still have with this! Hmmm…ideas…. !!! )

On our first date we hit it off – it was just a quick coffee and chat but it ended up being the famous story my friends tell to this day because he ended up coming over, talking for hours, and falling asleep nose to nose looking into each others eyes!

 

Yep ladies – love at first site IS a thing.

 

We went from total strangers to dating and in love in the space of a weekend. We didn’t sleep at all that first night as we stayed up talking so when we finally agreed some sleep would be handy and he left in the early hours I proceeded to walk straight over to my sisters room (who was sitting and expectantly waiting for the goss!) to tell her that this is it – I’d found him (or rather he had found me).

 

I knew in my heart that this was it. Though my well-tortured head, filled with doubts of relationships past, was pounding at me to play games, not be too available, be the strong independent chick that every guy wants….blah blah blah.

 

Though I could feel every fibre of my body wanting to revert to the familiar I REFUSED.

 

I flat out told myself NO. The universe tested you, it sent you some duds. You passed them up, and the universe knew you weren’t kidding. So it sent you what you asked for – your perfect guy down to all the little things like a shared love of horror movies! The universe had called my bluff – apparently this is exactly what I wanted and would go through any amount of pain for if it was true love, so was I really willing to step up? Let my guard down? Fall hard and risk the hurt again?

 

With a deep breath the answer was a booming yes. I had made up my mind. This love, this feeling, this complete ecstasy was worth any price I had to pay for it. I would not squander it.

 

So I fell. Hard. As did Matt. Right from day 1 we knew this was it. The way you just know when your soul meets your other half – and you didn’t even realise you were looking!

 

Fast forward almost 3 years and we are engaged, getting married later this year, and I have to say I have fallen more for him with each day. That ecstasy and joy has not faded, he still gives me butterflies, and he still has the power to just look at me and melt me.

 

I got exactly what I asked for – all or nothing. I got it all 🙂

 

The thing is none of this is unique. I’m not special or lucky. I chose this for myself just the same as in the past I had chosen pain for myself.

 

Just the same as we all have the power to choose pain or joy for ourselves.

 

But it takes courage. And it isn’t for everyone. Some people don’t crave this kind of connection – for them a great guy who treats them with kindness, love and fidelity is enough. There is nothing wrong with that. Just like there is nothing wrong with me choosing to accept nothing less than earth shattering, can’t live without each other love. Each has it’s pros and cons. And you choose what cons you are wanting to take on.

 

We always draw the lessons in life that we feel we need. So when we settle for less than we truly desire the universe will send us a lesson along with that. Sometimes it takes a long time to learn that lesson (ever had a friend who kept falling for the same kind of guy?) dah!

 

What do YOU truly desire? Please share below!

 

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