When you doubt yourself

EVEN LEADERS CAN FALL

sheneededhero

Reality check time – I am not always “on”

 
I know this can seem strange especially if you have ever met me in person, but the reason that I am so frickin bubbly is 2 things:
 

1. I CHOOSE to be

2. I am doing what I love to do – living my purpose, my passion, my very core.

 
The second is a given – but I often forget that most people don’t get this. Because “most” people don’t do what they love, what they are called to do, what makes them wake up early and stay up late at night – by choice.
 
But the most important part is the CHOICE part.
 

I am a constant contradiction of normality.

 
I love people – but I am also an innate loner.
I thrive from being around those that inspire and push me to become better – but I also require a crazy amount of alone time.
I love speaking – but I also cannot speak unless inspired to do so.
I need to be surrounded, and I need to be left alone.
 
And in this abnormality – I know I am not alone.
 
I have gone through so many phases in my life – being absolutely sure I was an extrovert, to then questioning it and believing that I had it wrong all along and I was an introvert…. to second guessing that all over again.
 
And it wasn’t until very recently that I decided I’m not defined by a fucking word.
 
At least not any word given to me by anyone else.
 
Just because I hate being in social situations surrounded by small talk and small minds DOESN’T make me an introvert.
 
And just because I can be the life of the party when surrounded by those that inspire, challenge and grow me DOESN’T make me an extrovert.
 
Instead – I am just me. I thrive in situations and surrounded by people who are as unsatisfied with the status quo as I am. Who see the potential for more. Who understand that there is always more than enough to go around, and that we can all have it all if we just have the guts to step up and take it.
 
And this just me? Well I wilt. Like a flower slowly cowering when you take away my sun – take away the deep, meaningful conversations, take away the chance to grow, take away my opportunity for MORE and I wilt, I become claustrophobic, and I literally feel the air being sucked out of my lungs with anxiety.
 
Not because I am an introvert- but because I am too focused on taking advantage of every chance I have to connect, to grow, to expand, that the idea that this minute, this hour, this night could be wasted on nothing and I would have nothing to show for it, no new friendship made, no mutual goal achieved, THIS suffocates me.
 
So going back to choice….
 
I choose to get up, show up, and step the fuck up each and every day whether I feel like it or not. Whether the world feels like it is aligning for me today or not.
 
A few nights ago I spent well over 2 hours doing something that should have taken 5 minutes or less.
 
The next night I was pushed even further with technology deciding NOT to work with me, spending more hours doing something that shouldn’t even have been an issue.
 
I was tired. I was frustrated. I had to be up in a matter of hours to start my day again, and I was angry and over it and ready for a bottle of wine and tub of ice cream.
 

Despite this – I continued. Because you know what?

 
It’s what I do.
 
I tell my clients this all the time – and I know many times they probably think “oh it’s all well and good for you” – so here it is.
 
No it is not always well and good for me.
 
At least not if you want to look at it “honestly and realistically” – whatever the hell that means!
 
Being realistic has never got me any further in life, it’s just another limitation. So you wonder why these people who seem to have it all always look like they have it all?
 

Let me be the one to break this illusion once and for all and tell you what no one else will.

 

THEY DON’T.

 
They still stumble, they still fall, they still have times of weakness, they still battle problems in life – their health, money, relationships, they are not magically immune!
 
And I don’t even class myself as one of “those” people yet anyway!
 
I feel like I look around at everything around me these days, all the mentors/figures I follow, watch their livestreams, read their posts, and I can’t help to think – were they ever truly where I am now?
 
There is no one that I can come across who says what it is really like when IT IS a struggle.
 
It is all past tense – all the magical stories of how hard IT WAS for them, all the stuff THEY OVERCAME, all the money they DIDN’T HAVE, and all the mental battles they had to push through.
 
But it’s all in the past. They are rich now, they have “made it”.
 
And it almost feels like sometimes they forget what it was like to be in that place (if many of them even were, I guess if you don’t know the person personally you just make the choice you want about what to believe)
 
And it isn’t their fault. Because I know how hard it is – when you ARE in it, when it is a struggle, when you HAVEN’T made it, you feel like they just won’t get it, and that there is no one else out there like you.
 

So you don’t share that. You hide it, you hide yourself. Because you might get judged, because you might lose clients, because you have been told SO many times that you only get what you focus on so don’t you dare for a moment focus on the fact that you haven’t MADE IT yet.

 
I get it. But what about this?
 
What about a moment – just a moment, once in a while, to take a deep breath and let it out – and own your journey, the idea that it isn’t always going to be easy, that you won’t make it overnight, and that that is ok.
 
To remind others who now look at the “higher” mentors and wonder if they will ever get there, and if it really was as bad as they say it was in the day – how about a moment to remind yourself that YOU ARE THERE.
 
And a mental note that when you are there – to look back once in a while and remember what it was. What TRUE doubt looked like – not from a “will I reach my new incredible income goal this year” but from a “will I be able to pay my rent/mortgage this month” frame of doubt.
 

Not to put you in a bad state mind you – I know you can’t stay there and focus on what you don’t want.

 
But as humans we grow and we learn from pleasure AND pain – and sometimes a reminder of what we don’t want can push us even further into alignment with what we do want and why we do what we do.
 

So I’m asking – if you relate to this, if you feel this, if you are WILLING to admit that you too have doubts, though of course you don’t indulge them, because just like me you suck it up and carry on because it is YOUR CHOICE how your life turns out, and you shape that with your very thoughts.

 

IF you feel me – leave a comment. Let’s not be alone in this – let’s be a new generation of leaders who lead not just from success but from growth, a reminder that we all have lessons to learn constantly, and to never forget out roots – to always be grateful for the love and prosperity we attract, because we REMEMBER the pain.

 

 

Ana sign off

 

 

 

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